


Time After Time

by DefinitelyNotPie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Groundhog Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10992804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefinitelyNotPie/pseuds/DefinitelyNotPie
Summary: After a crushing defeat on Starkiller Base, Kylo Ren accepts his fate. The Force, however, isn't having it. It has a lesson It wants him to learn, even if he has to relive the same events over & over & over & over....





	1. Lying in my bed, I hear  the clock tick and think of you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is my first Star Wars fic. It's an idea that's been rattling around in my head for a while & I figured, given the impending inevitability of The Last Jedi, I figured I should get it written before canon renders it thoroughly moot. Or, at the very least, not interesting. 
> 
> Think of this as Groundhog Day, Star Wars-style. 
> 
> I have no beta. Forgive me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren goes through the motions of The Force Awakens. 
> 
> Until he doesn't.

Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open, startled awake by the alarm that sounded throughout the Finalizer, announcing its approach to Starkiller Base and the subsequent drop from hyper space. He blinked away the sleep, his vision adjusting to the unnatural light that filtered through his helmet. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but was grateful for the brief respite. He had lost track of the number of cycles it had been since the massacre on Jakku. His every waking moment since had been consumed with his obsession with finding the map to Skywalker. He didn’t really take the time to think on the unnatural feeling that lingered in the back of his mind whenever his focus strayed from that one task, drawing him back to it almost painfully. As he got to his feet, he reached out with the Force to take a brief mental inventory of the crew within range, as well as touching on the status of his prisoner.

Even though he had pulled her from consciousness before boarding the command shuttle on Takodana, he had arranged that she be medically sedated for the journey back to Starkiller. He could have kept her under himself with relative ease, but he was just so damned tired. After all flight checks and preparations for the jump to hyper speed had been made, he returned to the medical bay and took a seat beside the gurney where she lay.  

The fact that his sitting vigil beside an unconscious, restrained woman while still donning his helmet was kind of creepy wasn’t lost on him. Truthfully, he had been fascinated with the very idea of this girl since he first heard word of her involvement in stealing the droid away from Jakku. Something had stirred in the Force at the very mention of her and now that she was here, he could barely contain his curiosity. Of course, he wouldn’t impress upon her while she was sedated, even though it’d be easy to sneak in while she slept, the thought of doing such a thing was repulsive, and, well, _creepy_.  

The other reason he wanted to keep her within his sights was because he didn’t trust Hux or the underlings he commanded. While Ren was technically in charge of this mission, Hux was not above undermining and manipulating his way into any and every situation. There was little cause for Ren to doubt that the red-hair general would have received word that the droid had not been acquired and that he would very much want to interrogate the rebel scum himself, much like he had with the pilot Dameron before he was forced to bring in Ren and left the chamber, red-faced and glowering at his failure.  

After descending to the base, Ren lead a small procession out of the shuttle and into the large cargo bay. The headache he’d had since they landed on Takodana had dulled a bit after his nap, but the relief was short-lived as he sauntered out of the hanger and felt the unmistakable hum of General Hux’s life force buzzing in his skull and then he saw the ginger nightmare rounding a corner in the corridor, stomping towards him scowling and put out as ever.

“Ren!” he spat, his whole frame practically shaking as he approached, the man in black regarding him with the cool indifference afforded to him by the imposing helmet.

“General.” Ren said, his voice modulator offering a bored intonation.

“Am I to understand that your mission to collect the droid resulted in the loss of half a battalion of my Storm Troopers with **_NO DROID_** to show for it?!” Hux shouted above the din of the disembarking storm troopers and flight crew doing post-landing checks and maintenance just beyond the closing doors.

“The droid was not needed. I have something else.”

“Yes. Another prisoner with which to waste precious First Order time and resources interrogating just to fail spectacularly. Tell me, Ren, are you deliberately trying to evoke the wrath of the Supreme Leader or is it just astonishing incompetence?” Hux’s imperious frown turned just slightly into a smug grin, his head tilting up defiantly as he heard the squeak of leather as Ren’s gloved fists balled tightly, betraying the Knight’s slowly rising ire. Ren refused to take the bait, however, and stared the shorter man down until Hux’s bravado visibly wavered. Before either could break the tension, an officer approached them, “Lord Ren, do you wish the prisoner to be taken to the interrogation chamber?”

“I will take her myself.” Ren stated. This development seemed to incense the general but as he opened his mouth to object, Ren had already motioned his charge to continue down the corridor and then turned away after them.    

Upon entering the lift, Ren gently pressed into the scavenger’s mind, just to check her level of consciousness, ensuring she didn’t regain it before being properly restrained, not that she posed much of a threat should she suddenly come to and attempt to escape. He just had no desire to deal with it. He was exhausted, his head hurt and he was feeling done, overall. He just wanted this whole business with Skywalker to be over with, so Snoke would complete his training and he could finally take the next step towards fulfilling his destiny and restoring order to the galaxy. Though it had been ages since he last felt true purpose, endless cycles spent drifting in a dream state, feeling like the walking dead. He isn’t certain when it was he last had a desire that was completely his own, long forgotten what it felt like to _want._

He is shaken from his thoughts as the chamber is reached and the droids roll the stretcher inside. Waving them away, he takes it upon himself to lift her slight form off the gurney and place her gently onto the table, securing her restraints and tilting the table upright so, when awake, she can face him directly.

Ren can sense her beneath the sleep, frantic and confused, and resists the urge to push in to see what she’s seeing. He reaches out to wake her, eager to get this over with when something gives him pause. He steps closer to her sleeping form, realizing that up until this moment he hadn’t really _looked_ at her since their brief encounter on Takodana, and even then it’s hard to get a good look through the visor. He reaches up to disconnect his helmet, almost insatiably curious to look upon her with his own eyes, but a flicker in the Force gives him pause; he can feel her consciousness stirring and he drops to a crouch to watch her awaken.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Ren had underestimated the scavenger.

She towers over him while the planet falls apart. His face feels like it’s on fire, but she is glowing and beautiful and dangerous. Broken and bleeding into the snow, Ren can’t help but stare at her. He can feel her conflict; her burning desire for revenge and the blinding, holy Light staying her hand.

This girl came into her powers in less time than it took him to learn to Force call objects as a padawan. It was breathtaking to witness, regardless of the utter humiliation he felt at having been bested. Master of the Knights of Ren, beaten by an untrained desert rat. That was the thought that stabbed through his mind, though he knew the thought was not his own; _Snoke_ was furious. Ren had failed. Again. Killing Han Solo had not been the great sever that it was heralded by the Supreme Leader to be. Ren felt no greater call to the Dark Side in the wake of it, if anything, he was more at war with himself than he could ever remember being.

He blinks dumbly up at her as she wavers uncertainly above him, his heart hammering in his chest with an anticipation he can’t define. The ground trembles, separates and for a moment Ren is afraid she will fall into the yawning chasm between them. The quaking earth widens their distance, and Ren can sense the Force stretching taut, pulling at his chest as her form shrinks away. The pain in his gut and shoulder begins to cloud his vision and he finds he has no desire to harness the pain into the strength to get up and get off the planet before it explodes. He can still sense her in the trees, he feels her confusion at the reluctance she feels to flee and the sudden snap of the tether he feels as she breaks away from the planet fills him with an inexplicable melancholy that drops him back into the snow, closing his eyes and embracing the cold. Hoping that the dying world will take him with it.

He hears the crunching of boots and the hum of a shuttle just before he slips into an oblivion.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open, startled awake by the alarm that sounded throughout the Finalizer, announcing its approach to Starkiller Base and the subsequent drop from hyper space. Ren bolts from where he’s seated next to the prisoner in the medical bay of the Finalizer. Through a large window, he can see the looming presence of the weaponized planet.

His brow furrows beneath his helmet and his confounded tone manages to translate through the voice modulator,

“What the Hell?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me on this first chapter, it's a retelling of some of the events of TFA from the perspective of Kylo Ren. Most of it is as we've seen it, save for the added scenes and internal, third person limited conflict I'm taking with Ren. 
> 
> The story will diverge a great deal as the story progresses.


	2. Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren wakes up to... arriving at Starkiller?

“What the Hell?”

Backing away from the ever-imposing view of Starkiller, Ren looks again at the chair by the med cot where he had just awoken, and at the still sleeping form of the scavenger from Jakku. The one who had brought him low just moments before, or so he thought. As all the events of the night rush back to him, he quickly runs his hands over where he remembered being injured. Nothing. He presses his fingers into his side, his shoulder… nothing. He quickly removes his helmet, pulls a glove off with his teeth and runs his fingers over his face – stopping when another memory strikes him: Han Solo, caressing his cheek before falling to his death on Starkiller. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head violently.

_What the hell is going on?_

He almost doesn’t notice when a corporal enters the med bay. The young man seems startled to find the Knight without his helmet, something few within the First Order have ever seen.

“Uh… L-Lord Ren?” he squeaks.

Kylo, shaken from his tumbling thoughts, turns a sharp glare to the intruder.

“Yes?” Ren replies, almost suspiciously.

“We’ve reached the base, sir. The shuttle is ready to take you and your prisoner to the surface.”

Ren narrows his eyes at the corporal and hesitates a moment, “Where have we just arrived from?”

The boy swallows thickly, as though afraid of giving an incorrect answer. “T-Takodana, my lord?” He casts his eyes to the floor submissively and cowers as Ren slowly approaches him.

“Takodana…”

“Yes, my lord.”

The corporal is visibly tense, now looking up at the much taller Kylo Ren, who returns his stare with naked, haunting wonder. There’s an awkward silence while Ren studies the young man, then the boy winces in obvious discomfort as Ren reaches into his mind, looking for anything that might explain this bewildering situation he’s awoken to. There is nothing. It is as it was the first time: he retrieved the girl, brought her to Starkiller. The rest of what he can remember doesn't appear to have happened. 

He releases the man and tells him to hold the shuttle, as he needs to prepare his prisoner for transport. Then, turns back to look down upon the sleeping woman.

_It must have been a dream._

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Kylo Ren tension relaxes slightly with the idea that he had just dreamt the whole thing. It was realistic of course, but clearly none of it had actually transpired. Touching upon people as he stalks across the hanger gives him all the reassurance he needs that he is alone in his confusion. He is about to issues orders regarding the scavenger when the familiar approach of General Hux sends a chill down his spine.

“Ren!” he spat, marching up to him in the corridor his usual scowling face reddened with rage. His momentum is stalled and he narrows his eyes, looking strangely at Ren, but his expression returns to one of scorn. 

“Uh…” Ren mumbles stupidly, realizing that he never put his helmet back on. Before he can edit himself, Hux continues,

“Am I to understand that your mission to collect the droid resulted in the loss of half a battalion of my Storm Troopers with  _ **NO DROID**_  to show for it?!”

Ren is still staring at the general, his thoughts now scattered like marbles as the déjà vu hits him like a stampeding bantha. His silence and astounded regard only further infuriate Hux.

“Ren?!” the general hisses, spittle flying from his lips. His eyes are wide and red, his face visibly trembling with the tension of his rage. Ren just stares at the man, his mind completely wrapped up in how strange this whole situation is. He is still watching Hux tremble when he silently furrows his brow at the shorter man, and then almost questioningly offers, “I have something else?”

The general just balks, dumbfounded by this highly uncharacteristic display of ineptitude by the usually fearsome Kylo Ren. As the silence borders on awkward an officer approaches,

“Lord Ren, do you wish the prisoner to be taken to the interrogation chamber?”

“Yes!” Ren suddenly blurts and turning his eyes back to Hux just for a moment to confirm that the look on his face matches the outrage he recalls from the dream, and then slowly walks away. _He won’t follow me,_ he thinks. His back now to the general as he continues with the droids and prisoner towards the lift, Ren hears Hux gasp and curse, but the angry red-head does not pursue the knight.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

“You… You’re afraid. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader!”

The scavenger had recited, line for line, everything Ren could remember. And just as he remembered, he relayed the information to the Supreme Leader and the girl once again escaped. Ren considered making sure she remained secure, but thought better of it, thinking perhaps things are supposed to play out as he had envisioned.

Reliving Han Solo’s death was still as confounding, conflicting and anticlimactic as it had been in the dream. He tried to play everything as he remembered it, things were not looking to be any different as it came down to the world falling apart. Again. 

 _This can't be how it's_ supposed _to end?_

“You need a teacher!” he pressed, bearing down on the girl against the edge of a cliff. “I can show you the ways of the Force!” Ren’s eyes narrow as he tries to recall every word. In his mind, he says along with her,

“The Force?” her eyes close and he watches, fearful and fascinated. _Is this it_ _?_ He feels something now that he doesn’t recall from the vision, a tingling in his head much like the one from the interrogation earlier. _It’s her!_ He can feel her in his mind, unsure of how she managed to get in without his notice. But before he can throw up his mental barriers, she’s consumed his knowledge and her sudden ferocity and staggering battle abilities make him sure that this is all going to end much as it did in his dream. He will not defeat her. She will not turn to the Dark Side, not this night, not ever. In his bewilderment, his guard falls much faster than it did before, and he falls to her feet. She looks at him suddenly, startled.

“Get up!” she cries, straightening her stance and attempting to look threatening. He stares at her, his mind once again drifting to another place.

_W_ _hat the Hell was the point of that vision?_

_Why hasn't anything changed?_

_What did I do wrong?_

_Was I supposed to do something different?_

_Was it to just show me her power?_

Without realizing it, his eyes are beseeching her, as though the Force spoke through her and she could relieve him with a single word. The scavenger is visibly confused, and beginning to tremble, the cold seeping into her exposed skin now that their rigorous dance has sputtered to an awkward halt.

“What do you want?” Ren says at her, but not _t_ _o_ her. 

“What?” she breathes. Just then, a powerful tremor rocks the ground beneath them and as she stumbles back, his grandfather's saber catching him across the face. Startled by the sudden pain, he collapses fully into the snow as she fretfully turns and runs, leaping over the small crack in the earth that has just appeared. By the time Ren collects himself, breathing through the burn in his cheek he sits up to see her retreating form. He sits bleeding in the snow, resigned. Unsure of anything that has happened or is happening. He closes his eyes, overcome with a sudden bone-deep exhaustion. He stays motionless as the trees crash down around him and doesn’t even notice when a strong pair of arms hoist him to his feet and drag him swiftly away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There are bright, blinding lights. He can hear Hux barking in the distance like the rabid hound that he is and Ren grimaces. There are droids burbling around his head and he feels the cool relief of a Bacta patch being placed on the screaming wound on his face. Ren turns his head to avoid the overhead lights and opens his eyes. He’s on the command shuttle. This wasn’t in the vision, so he must have failed. Or maybe he succeeded? Damned if he knows. He takes a deep breath as he feels the hiss of a hypospray at his neck. Fitfully, he surrenders to the darkness.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open, startled awake by the alarm that sounded throughout the Finalizer, announcing its approach to Starkiller Base and the subsequent drop from hyper space.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super happy with this chapter. It will likely get edited several times, but it won't change too much. Things can't really get interesting until our boy figures out he's good & stuck. Lemme know what you think anyway, this is my first SW fic.


	3. Flashback - Warm nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren awakens again to an unconscious prisoner and an intact Starkiller outside his window. After his own investigations lead nowhere, he takes his dilemma to Supreme Leader Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments keep the chapters coming. I don't like to think I'm talking to myself.

Ren bolted to his feet. Looking around in a panic as he shakily removed his helmet.

“What the _fuck_ is this?!” he all but whined, his helmet fell to the floor with a loud clang and he called for a medical droid.

As he waited impatiently, he approached the cot where the scavenger girl lay motionless. He furrowed his brow and whispered, “And who or what are you?”

He considers while he waits that this all started happening after he took the girl from Takodana. Perhaps he was exposed to some bizarre biological contaminant in the forest there. Or maybe he contracted some desert pathogen from her. Though both of those ideas seem unlikely, since his helmet was equipped with highly advanced filtering technology to defend against guerrilla insurgents using crude chemical armaments. And he had not been without the helmet on Takodana or in her presence until… the interrogation chamber. It was possible to have inhaled some airborne substance then, were she to have been carrying something, but he quickly dismissed that hypothesis. Firstly, why would his experiences repeat from this point if the exposure happened later? And surely the symptoms of exposure to whatever it could be wouldn’t manifest immediately, and even if it did, again, why _here_ and not when he interrogated her? The last straw was that in each recurrence of whatever this weird time loop he’s somehow become stuck in, only seems to be happening to him. No one he’s spoken with or touched the minds of has seemed in anyway alarmed by anything. And most definitely the girl, whose mind he has spent the most time in since this started, and if she were feeling anything out of the ordinary (aside from being abducted and held prisoner) she wasn’t letting on and Ren doubted her ability to conceal it.

The summoned droid burbled through the door then, a young corporal on its heels.  Just as the boy opened his mouth to, Ren was positive, announce the preparations for transport to the surface, Ren held up a hand and stopped him.

“Leave me. I will make my way to the surface when I am ready.” Ren didn’t bother to look at him, instead he just subtly pushed the corporal back through the door with the Force while the boy stumbled and flailed, his expression bewildered and afraid.

Alone with the unconscious girl and the droid, Ren sat himself down on an empty cot, ordering the droid to do a full diagnostic scan. He didn’t think he should completely rule out an infection of some kind, but he wanted to see if there was any evidence of head trauma or brain abnormalities. There _had_ to be an explanation, and he wanted to be sure it wasn’t physical before he considered psychological or, worse, Force-related causes. 

Ren didn’t think it could be the Force, though. He was still certain that his destiny lay in full acceptance of the Dark Side, so the execution of Han Solo was surely a part of fulfilling that. He knew that Skywalker’s death at his hands was also a part of it, so, _What more could be needed? Chewbacca? Mother?_ The thought of the latter made his gut twist painfully. Weakness, _again_. Though, perhaps her sacrifice would serve the greater good. After all, peace and order could never be restored if there was still a general at the helm of the Resistance, but he pushed the disturbing thought away before he dwelt too long on _why_ it so disturbed him.

The droid sputtered and beeped at the foot of the cot where Ren now lay.

*heart rate and blood pressure: average*  
*cerebral function: average*  
*electrolytes: below average*  
*iron levels: below average*

The droid continued reporting its diagnostic, but Ren stopped paying attention. All the important parts had been cleared, and he was fairly certain that this anomaly wasn’t happening because he was a little dehydrated and anemic. He sat up and sighed, waving off the little R2 unit and rubbing his eyes. He then turned them to the girl on the cot beside him.

 _Who are you?_ He thought again.

He had pushed the girl a little deeper into unconsciousness when he felt her grasping for the surface. He wasn’t ready to deal with her yet and he certainly wasn’t going to allow another escape. He should meet with the Supreme Leader. He knows that he will be summoned in a few hours, after what would have been a ridiculous attempt at interrogating the girl, but he doesn’t feel like waiting. He might literally have all the time in the galaxy given his predicament, but on the off chance this isn’t all in his head, perhaps Snoke would be able to tell him what’s happening. He flinches, considering how the ancient Sith would react to the knowledge that this has happened several times now, but pain and humiliation at the hands of his mentor was old hat.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

After confining the girl to a cell on the detention level of the Finalizer, he took a shuttle to the surface of the base to arrange a comm with the Supreme Leader. Hux had made sure he was the first thing Ren saw when he walked down the ramp, but Ren just Forced the little man off his feet and stalked wordlessly out of the hanger.

Now he found himself face down on the floor of a great antechamber, trembling in a pool of his own sick while the Supreme Leader rifled through his mind with reckless abandon. He had been reprimanded for speaking out of turn and forgetting his place, Snoke not at all partial to being called upon for any reason when he was all-seeing and all-knowing. When Ren suffered through the punishment and pled his case, Snoke was intrigued and then furious. “Why would you think you could keep such a thing from me? After everything I have done for you? Given you? The fate of the galaxy lies with _you_ and assisting your ascension has been my only charge. _YOU DO NOT HIDE THINGS FROM ME, BOY. WITHOUT ME YOU ARE NOTHING. WITHOUT ME YOU ARE WEAK.”_ It was at this point in Snoke’s tirade and torture that Ren vomited all over the floor. A twistedly humorous thought crept across his mind then, about the droid reporting his dehydration, but he was quickly torn from that brief musing by Snoke’s ruthless ministrations.

“This girl. You believe she is powerful. Maybe even more powerful than you. You have compassion for her.” Ren’s head pounded and his mouth bled from where he’d bitten his own tongue. He knew better than to deny anything and remained silent, scrutinized. “You doubt me? I told you to kill Han Solo in order to ensure your destiny and YOU DOUBT ME!?”

More vomit, more blood. The only reason he was still conscious could only be because Snoke _wanted_ him to be.

Supreme Leader continued, “I see... the girl… the Resistance is coming for her. They bring their fleets and intend to destroy Starkiller? Excellent.” Suddenly, the pain stopped and Snoke began to croon and soothe Ren, showing that his complete control over the young man’s agony was his only hope for comfort and that complacency was mandatory. Ren couldn’t help but feel the relief and gratitude, while simultaneously feeling wretched for it.

“I forgive you, boy. It is not too late. Have the girl brought to the base. We will have her traitorous companions retrieved before their plans can reach fruition and they will all be disposed of. Thank you, my boy, I believe the Force granted us a vision, to aid the First Order towards the complete destruction of the Resistance. Though your interpretation was rather ridiculous, you have seen the entirety of the rebellion brought to our doorstep, and with them the key to unlocking your destiny. I’m glad to have been able to help you learn this lesson.”

The waves of relief from his torment were too much for Ren to truly process what Snoke was doing or saying, and tears streamed down his face as he nodded dumbly and stammered, “Yes, S-Supreme Leader. I will do as you command.”

Slowly, Ren wobbled to his feet and walked away from the hologram of his mentor, as it fizzled and blinked out of existence.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Kylo Ren stood resolutely behind a line of storm troopers while he watched Han Solo, the Traitor, Chewbacca, and the girl, being forced to their knees with their hands tied behind their backs. General Hux stood at the end of the line with his hand raised high, Phasma in her shimmering chrome stood beside him, ready to give the signal at his command. His face a stony grimace, his posture rigid, he dropped his arm and Phasma’s voice echoed through the hanger with modulated indifference.

“Fire.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

After the entire Resistance fleet was caught immediately after jumping out of hyperspace, and the bodies of the 4 executed rebels had been discarded, Ren had found the pilot returned to his interrogation chamber. A few prisoners had been kept alive for interrogation, since there were certainly more cells of Resistance that needed to be cleaned up in the wake of this tremendous victory. There was also the matter of the map to Skywalker, they still needed it and Ren soon discovered the droid had shown not just the girl, but the entire rebel council; including their best pilot.

However, Ren felt no joy, no sense of accomplishment or even relief in ripping the map fragment from the pilot’s mind; just cold apathy. Having witnessed his father, uncle, and the girl being slaughtered before him – even the Traitor’s death alongside them brought him no satisfaction. If this is what the Force wanted from him, so be it. He had managed to change almost everything and he felt secure, at least, in having that power over his circumstances. But the feeling of hopelessness remained. With the knowledge of the missing coordinates now in his possession, he input the information into the computer to complete the map to Skywalker.

 _Ahch-to_. _That’s where the old fool is hiding._

He would go after him and finish this, as soon as he cleaned himself up and got some much-needed rest. He felt like he hadn’t slept in days and a few hours of sleep wasn’t going to put what little rebellion remained in any position to benefit from retrieving the old Jedi.

As he lay on his bed, skin still tingling from bathing, his last thought before slipping into sleep was of his father and of the girl, and the look on her face as she turned to him just before the blasters twisted it to a mask of agony and her visage was lost in the smoke.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open, startled awake by the alarm that sounded –

“NO!!!” he screamed, and stumbled off the chair and out of the medical bay. 


	4. Almost left behind a suitcase of memories...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren fumbles with memories and doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments or it didn't happen. 
> 
> Pretty please.

Kylo Ren’s escape from the medical bay stopped abruptly as he hit the wall in the corridor. The raspy sound of his breathing seemed amplified in the empty hall, the vastness of which seemed to swallow any echo of his desperate gasps. He dropped his head against the partition with a loud clunk as his helmet knocked against the durasteel bulkhead. It prompted a hopeless chuckle from the knight, and he swiped at it weakly, unfastening and pulling it off his head. He took a deep breath, staring at the wall but finding no focus, then closed his eyes and once again pressed his head against the wall.

_What…is...?_

His thoughts were interrupted by what he knew was the corporal coming around the corner to fetch him. As soon at the boy spotted him, Ren spoke, “Prepare the prisoner for transport… take her to the shuttle.” The corporal stood blinking at Ren, who pushed himself off the wall and walked away from the man without waiting or even looking for sign of assent. As he sauntered into a lift, he heard the medbay door open and he assumed the corporal made his way inside do as ordered.

He navigated the brightly lit corridors, past the astonished glances of lesser crew who found themselves at his unmasked approach. He kept his eyes fixed on a high point at the end of the hall as he kept pace. He never looked at them, but could still feel their surface thoughts as if they were brushing them against his face with whisper-bird feathers as they passed.

Eventually, he found himself outside of the door to the main hanger. With a sigh, he stepped in and the panel door hissed shut behind him. There was the Upsilon class shuttle being checked over and prepped for departure, and he knew Hux would most likely send a battalion of storm troopers to fetch him if he didn’t join the away team. He closed his eyes and could feel the girl nearby, she was either already on the shuttle, or was en route. It was a peculiar feeling, this draw to the scavenger. It was like that weightlessness in the chest just at the moment of jumping to lightspeed, but when she was farther away, it was just a low hum in the background.  

Rubbing a gloved hand over his face, as he slowly ascended the loading ramp into the shuttle. He found the cockpit refreshingly empty and stationed himself at the helm. For one serious moment, he considered just taking off. He knew where Luke was, he could- he _should-_ go after him. To _Finish. This._ But after once again awakening at the same moment in time, he had lost a lot of his determination, as well as his surety of what it was the Force really wanted from him. And he was tired, he had been _so tired_ since Takodana, like all the years of lost sleep were suddenly clawing at him, desperate for reunion. In addition to his sudden ease with finding sleep was the _pull._ That elastic tug that urged him gods knew where that had snapped into existence when he first heard mention of _The Girl_.

When he found her on Takodana, and pressed her into sleep, it was all he could do to not wrap them both in his cloak and curl up in the glades. His soul yearned for quiet, to his very bones, the instant he had her in his arms, but it was easy enough to dismiss all suggestive thought about what that might mean. It was ridiculous to consider romantic notions of any kind, despite the _literal_ attraction he felt. The knowledge that she possessed the key to finding his wayward uncle outshined any inclination that greater forces were stirring within his proximity to _her._ But now… he had the knowledge of where his uncle was. And that’s all that should have mattered.

It would take several cycles to reach Ahch-To, he knew, and, given his latest repeat, he didn’t know if he’d make it there before winding up back at her bedside. Then he realized, these events only reset when he’d go to sleep or fall unconscious. He sat up straight with this epiphany, alert, and searched his mind to recall every last moment he could before the being thrown back to the beginning. She beat him on Starkiller, he passed out. She beat him again, the First Order took him and sedated him. Snoke _tore all_ of the information out of him and used it to coordinate a full ambush against the Resistance, then rounded up and executed the girl and her friends… and his _father_. He’d gone to bed sometime after, feeling sure that everything had been righted, only to once again wake up. With _her_.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

It was as he was hurriedly scuttling into the hanger that he heard it. And he cursed himself inwardly for not having felt it first. He had been in such a rush to discreetly flee Starkiller (even going so far as to change into civilian clothes) in an attempt to make it as far towards his goal as possible before passing out that he wasn’t paying attention to the details of the signatures around him.

“Ben!”

The sound of his father’s voice was unmistakable. He flinched before he could stop himself, looking like a toddler getting caught in the sweets jar. He righted himself quickly and slowly turned.

“Han Solo.” He said, attempting to sound disconnected and indifferent.

“Ben… what’re, what are you doing?” the older man looked equal parts bewildered and concerned, with a twinkling of hope in his eyes that made Ren’s chest ache. He took a deep breath, steeling himself,

“That doesn’t concern you. I have no business with you or your friends. I have matters to attend to and would like to get to them before your friends destroy the base.” Ren said pointedly, and turned away at Han’s shocked expression. He knew a part of him wanted to see Han Solo dead, but the rest of him, having witnessed it several times already, knew the novelty wore off quickly. There was also that nagging, desperate part that just wanted his father. He tried to walk away towards an anchored tie fighter, but Solo was still quick, even for his age, and had closed the space between them and put a hand on Ren’s arm.

“You’re my son. Anything that concerns you is my business. And how- ”  

Without thinking, Ren jerked his arm away and glowered at the man,

“I’m NOT your son.” He spat petulantly, but his face betrayed every doubt and regret in his words. Ignoring the slight, Han continued unfazed,

“Ben, I saw you take the girl from Maz’s. You were all Vader-ed up and menacing, now here you are looking like a spice smuggler skulking around in the dark of your own base. What’s going on? Where is she?” Han’s voice was full of interest and concern, that fatherly undertone of admonishment wavering.

Before Ren could respond, there was a crash and a shout in the corridor outside. Blaster fire and the unmistakable bellow of his father’s lifelong friend Chewbacca howled through the hanger’s open door. A group of stormtroopers backed away from something while also firing through their retreat, many of them falling to the blaster fire of the unseen attackers. Ren and Solo just gawked dumbly while the troopers stumbled passed, followed by Captain Phasma, also walking backward and firing her rifle into the unseen ends of the hall. The wookie’s roar grew louder and as Han whipped out a blaster of his own, Phasma looked into the hanger and saw Ren.

“Commander?” she barked, alarmed.

What came next seemed to paradoxically happen both instantaneously and in slow-motion. Ren was marginally aware of grabbing his saber from behind his back, and Han aiming his blaster at the hanger door. There was the buzz of the saber flickering to life, and then Phasma fell forward in a shower of sparks with a modulated grunt. Han was moving towards the door, Chewbacca’s warble suddenly ringing clear as he strode into view, his bowcaster smoking. There was a shout and Ren stepped forward, his saber raised in defense of the blasters. He was standing behind Han, walking slowly towards the body of his fallen captain. His eyes were on Phasma when a blaster discharged and Han suddenly cried out. Looking up, he saw Chewy’s bowcaster levelled at his own chest, and a staggering Han Solo standing between them.

Then time seemed to stop. Ren dropped the saber, and Han fell backwards into his suddenly outstretched arms. Chewbacca’s roar was chorused with the screams of the scavenger girl. And the stand-off ended with the last of the troopers, their captain dead, retreating under the Traitor's barrage of blaster fire.

Stumbling to his knees under the weight of his father, Ren realized what it was that had happened. Chewie saw Ren poised behind Han thinking he meant to strike, Chewie fired, Han stepped into it to save him.  

“Whoa, kid. Easy on the jacket.” Han huffed as Ren grabbed him roughly and eased him to the floor, a great smoldering hole in his chest. Kylo Ren’s mind went static. He couldn’t hold onto a single coherent thought as Han Solo lay shivering in his arms. The knight stared dumbly down at the dying man, his breathing shuttering. A mélange of emotions played across Han’s face as he looked up at Ren,

“Ben? You… came home...” Han whispered, now delirious, his body in shock. He raised a shaking hand to Ren’s face, cupping his cheek just as he had each time Ren had killed him himself. Ren’s breath hitched at the memory, and he hiccupped as his arms pulled tighter around his father. Han’s breathing became strained, harsh and rasping. His fingers weakly caressing Ren’s cheek, he gave a watery smile, “My… my baby boy…”

The old smuggler’s hand slid limply from Ren’s face, as fat, rolling tears Ren didn’t even know were welling fell from his eyes. He felt the Force flicker with death and the room went silent, except for a high-pitched ringing in his ears. He looked up in wonder, the girl running towards him in slow-motion, and Chewie bracing himself against the wall, wailing, his bowcaster hanging loosely by his side before dropping with a thud. Ren gasped, as the breath he didn’t know he was holding lurched free from his chest. Blinking away more tears as they blurred his vision, he looked back down at the body of Han Solo, whose half-lidded eyes stared coldly at nothing.

It was at that moment, looking into the face of his dead father, who had just given his life to save his estranged and vengeful son, when the universe finally caught up. Ren closed his eyes and turned his head to the ceiling, he took a deep breath and screamed. And then he just kept screaming.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” he cried to no one. Ren felt like his head was going to explode, the memory of Han’s words from the previous instances now echoing over the din,

_Come home. We miss you._

“WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!”

_Will you help me?_

_Yes. Anything._

He bellowed to the ether, expecting and receiving no answer. He paid no attention to the others in the hanger who were watching him in confused terror, while he sobbed and rocked and choked madly over the fallen Solo. A pull in his chest turned his bloodshot, watery gaze to the girl, who was trembling before him, her eyes wide and frightened.

“What is this?” she gasped. Ren knew what she meant, but he made no move to answer her. In addition to her own, she could _feel_ his grief. His face twisted into a snarling visage and he glared back at her, teeth clenched and eyes wild. The Traitor grabbed her then, dragging her away and shouting. Watching them retreat, Ren didn’t notice the large mass step up beside him, but he sensed his godfather’s presence just before he felt the pop against his head. There was a flash of light, and then nothing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open. He stared dully at the wall opposite him as the alarms echoed through the medical bay. His breath hitched and he sighed, looking down at the sleeping girl on the cot before him. He unfastened his helmet and pulled it off, setting it in his lap. He rested his arms on top of it and leaned forward, all the while looking resignedly at her still form.

 


	5. Sometimes you picture me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren returns to Supreme Leader Snoke demanding answers, and he gets a lot more than he asked for.

Ren couldn’t say for sure how many times he woke up at her bedside, and after hours ( _days? weeks? months?)_ of watching her eyes flutter restlessly beneath her eyelids, asleep but not sleeping, and after the grueling events of… _previously?_ (he still hadn’t come up with a word to describe this phenomenon,) he was no longer able, or willing, to resist this bone-deep exhaustion he’d been feeling. At some point the alarms stopped startling him awake, he’d just sniff, turn over in the uncomfortable chair and go back to sleep. He couldn’t tell how much sleep he was getting between these _cycles_ ( _maybe?_ ) But each time he awoke, he felt a little better rested. A few times, he got up and laid on an adjacent cot to go back to sleep, but he always woke up in the chair. Eventually, he could no longer stand the interruptions, and he decided to stretch his legs before the corporal made his inevitable appearance.

Ren opted to wear his helmet, since it seemed to attract less attention from the Finalizer’s crew and provided a safe, familiar atmosphere for him to think about things as well as grant him a, albeit, false sense of privacy. Privacy was something he felt was quite hard to come by, despite feeling consistently isolated, as he was under almost constant scrutiny in some capacity. Usually by Hux or his underlings, but more often than not, it was the ever-lingering presence of Snoke in his mind. He could never be sure if the Supreme Leader was monitoring him constantly, or if he was so often in Ren’s mind for one reason or another, he just left a residual signature.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The girl had been moved, Ren could sense it. He wondered what would become of her without his direct instruction. It’s possible that she would simply be placed in a detention cell, but more likely Hux would arrange to interrogate her personally. He found that the thought sickened him. Not only was there nothing the girl could consciously tell him, even under torture, but that Hux was free to use whatever means he deemed necessary for questioning and his preferred methods bled into places that Ren could never develop a taste for. He considered interfering with this possibility, as the images that his mind conjured set him on edge, but a hopeless part of him just lamented that she’d be perfectly fine for the next turn.  

His walking slowed then and he considered that he didn't know that for a fact. He had no idea what was happening to him, he could snap out of it around that corner, for all he knew, and then time would move forward again. Ren felt the urge to seek his master for advice, though this experience had been making him less sure that his mission was to kill Skywalker, especially considering how many times Han Solo had died to absolutely no avail. Snoke had assured him of what he'd needed to do and Snoke had been _wrong._ A memory suddenly bubbled to the surface, of the first few encounters with Solo on the walkway.

_Supreme Leader is wise._

_Snoke is using you for your power… When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you._

Ren squeezed his eyes shut tightly, almost painfully. The sting and pressure giving him a subtle wave of energy that he often experienced when he harnessed his pain, but he didn't feel the invigorating caress of the Dark Side that he was accustomed to. He sighed, almost a growl, this couldn't continue, he was lost and confused and… powerless. All his power, all his strength, all his so-called destiny _didn't_ _mean shit_ in this situation. He was completely at the mercy of an unknown party. Was it the Force? It had to be, but there was this dark tendril of _hope?_ that prayed it was something less severe.

With a sigh, he brought himself to his full, imposing height and walked to the nearest lift. He would make sure the girl remained safe from Hux, then he was going to get answers from Snoke.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

“Kylo Ren. You forget your place.” Snoke assumed an air of vague indifference while he looked down upon his emboldened apprentice, who had all but demanded counsel.

“Supreme Leader, I _need_ your guidance. I am trapped. I have been for… I don't even know how long. You haven't seen it, you said it was a vision that I failed to interpret, and I did _everything_ you told me to, but still I am here. I wake up in the same exact place at the _same exact moment_ in time and NOTHING I do _matters_!” Ren all but cried, still humble before his master. Snoke maintained his composure, but there was a chill in the air that Ren had grown to recognize as a building fury.

“ _I_ was mistaken? _I_ have misled you on your path and now you come to me with these _delusions_!?” Composure broken.

Ren hit the floor face first and immediately he felt Snoke stab into his mind, tearing through memories and thoughts with hooks and barbs. While the attack continued, so did Snoke,

“Foolish boy! I see your broken mind, your pathetic dreams, your _weakness_ and _compassion_ for this girl and for Han Solo. I see these miserable constructs you’ve created… you expect me to believe he's died by your hand? These false memories to try to hide your uselessness from _me!?_ ”

Ren could do little but groan and convulse on the floor of the holo-chamber, his ability to control his body lost under Snoke’s seemingly endless ravaging. He could still hear and understand everything Snoke was saying, that was always something Supreme Leader made sure of during his _training_.

“You are right about the girl.” Snoke began conversing with the thoughts he tore from Ren’s mind as though they were spoken to him over a casual meal. “She _IS_ powerful. Deliciously so. Where has she been all these years that I've wasted on you?” There was a pull and a snap, then Ren could no longer feel her. He vomited. Snoke continued, “Perhaps the only purpose you've served is to bring her to me. I believed you to be my heir, the vessel for my eternal power. I took you from your whore mother’s womb, groomed you and tailored you to suit _me_ … _to what end_? A pathetic, simpering child pissing on my floor. No, you have merely been a pawn, I can see it now.”

Even in agony, Ren found enough will to question, though, “What…?” was all he could manage.

“What? What do I mean?” the hologram mocked, “Since before you drew your first breath, boy, I have been the whisper in your ears, the shadow in the darkness, the monster under your bed. All your fears, all your doubts, all your hate and disdain, was my gift to you. To break you down, to bring you to me. To destroy Skywalker’s legacy and the last hope for the Jedi.”  

Before he could respond, Ren felt himself rising into the air, Snoke holding up his limp body with the Force wrapped around him like thorny vines. “Everything you are, is because I willed it to be so, every thought you've had is because I wanted you to have it. But you continue to fail me, and I see better prospects on the horizon. This scavenger you've found will make a much more suitable, and _satisfying_ apprentice.”

 _“_ So, thank you for doing at least one thing correctly _, Ben Solo.”_ Snoke said, almost thoughtfully. Ren began to feel his body being squeezed, so tightly that he could no longer draw or expel breath. His head began to throb and his eyes felt like they might explode. He heard bone crunching and felt his ribs collapse. The pain was so intense his vision went white and there was a dull ringing in his ears. Overwhelmed with sensation, he almost couldn't feel anything at all, and there was one last great _crack_ as his spine snapped in two.

_When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you. You know it's true..._

Then there was nothing.


	6. I’m walking too far ahead...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, shit. Snoke's a lying asshole. What's a petulant man-child stuck in a time loop to do?

He woke up gasping, unable to breathe. He stumbled to his feet, clawing frantically at his helmet, shaking fingers struggling to find purchase on the release mechanisms. When he finally heard the hiss, and felt the cool air rush in, he choked out a sob. After dumbly pulling the contraption off, he greedily took in a lungful of non-recycled air and then launched the bloody thing across the medical bay. 

 _Snoke_ … whom Ren had once believed to be all-seeing, and all-knowing, and didn’t _see_ or _know_ what was happening.

 _Snoke_ … who for all his supposed greatness and wisdom, was just as useless as he was in the grand scheme.

 _Snoke_ … who had apparently tainted his mind from the start, whose ministrations tore him from his mother, alienated him from his father, and moved his hands to betray his uncle.

 _Snoke_ … who stole his life, and made him feel it freely given.

Snoke… who made him a pet monster.

Ren found himself sitting on the floor beside the girl’s cot, leaning back against the hard rails. Bracing his arms on top of his knees, he hung his head and sighed.

_What have I done?_

_What can I do?_

Regardless of the _how_ or the _why_ , he had committed unspeakable atrocities across the galaxy. Even if there were truly nothing for him here, that the last 15 years - no, the last _30 fucking years,_ were all a lie, a manipulation, there was nowhere else for him.

_My son is alive…_

_Come home… we miss you._

_NO._ It could never be that simple. No matter what was said or even felt by him or his father, if he left the First Order he’d be a marked man. Hell, he was a marked man already. And if he stayed… well, _could_ he even stay? And did it even matter since he was stuck in this anomaly? What could he possibly do to change anything? If the First Order and Snoke isn’t the answer, then what is? The Rebellion had had its chance after the Empire, and the Senate once again threatened to tear itself apart. There was no order. And without order, there could be no peace. That’s all he really wanted. To restore order, to bring peace. He had believed that he was doing the right thing, for the longest time.

 _Casualties were inevitable._  
The cancer had to be cut out.  
A few would die so that billions could live.  
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

No matter how many times or in how many ways he ran that thought through, he no longer felt the righteous passion he once had for this idea. That he would finish what Darth Vader had started, that _Anakin Skywalker_ had started. That it was his _destiny…_ Now it all just seemed like bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.

_No, it’s not. Leave here with me._

His father’s words from when this nightmare began kept coming back, slipping into his mind in response to his thoughts. He shook his head viciously, rubbed his eyes and pulled himself to his feet. He walked over to the large viewport and looked down at Starkiller. _Such a stupid fucking name, Armie._ He shook his head and huffed a soft laugh at himself. General Armitage Hux would have a stroke if anyone called him “Armie” to his face.

 _What a dick_. Ren really did hate that guy. His mother would have called him a nerfherder, rather tame compared to what the man _actually_ was, but Leia Organa had a way of making almost anything she said sting like a blade.

Thinking about her made him think about the encounter with his fa- with _Han_ on Starkiller, he shuddered, imagining if it had been her instead. Could he have done it then? He inhaled deeply, looking out at the stars, _no fucking way._ If he were honest with himself, it was hard enough killing Han the second time. The first time was... difficult, but at the time, he felt sure that it was the correct thing to do. He knew it then with every fiber of his being.

The bile rose in his throat as this train of thought inevitably redirected to his last encounter with Snoke, and he balled his hands into fists so tight his nails dug into his palms and bled. He was a fool. A complete fool. He had no doubt that what Snoke had told him about his life was true, there had been no reason to lie. Ren had been able to feel it, Snoke had had _zero_ doubt that he was killing Kylo Ren (or Ben Solo or whoever the hell he was supposed to be) at that moment, and the satisfaction of such a harrowing reveal would have been just too good for Snoke to pass up.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Too much time had passed, Hux was now fuming and ready to board the Finalizer himself to drag Ren to the surface by his hair. _Time to shit or get off the pot_ , as Ha- his _father_ would say. It was only a matter of minutes until the door was taken down and… what would happen? He just didn’t know. The girl was still asleep. He’d been keeping her down, biding his time for some epiphany that never came. He considered what might happen to her if he was detained for his insubordination, not that Hux would _dare_ unless he got express orders from the Supreme Leader, then he’d be here personally and with bells on. 

He was thinking about what he ought to do with the girl before they came when it occurred to him that it probably didn’t make any damn difference one way or another. Whatever happened, he’d most likely end up right back where he started anyway, right?

But then… what if he didn’t?

He had figured out that things reset when he lost consciousness, one way or another, but what if… what if he _died_? He reflected on his encounter with Snoke. Sure, he may very well have died, but what if he had passed out first? Maybe that’s why he reset… and maybe _instant_ death…

It alarmed him, slightly, to realize this thought wasn’t unappealing.

He sighed, another in a long succession of them today. It was worth the risk, and it wasn’t like there was really anything else for him. He had no hope of freedom in any direction and he knew it. He figured, the worst that could happen was that he wakes up right beside her again.

Sitting up straight, Ren held out his hand, calling his light saber to him. He turned it about in his hand, looking at it as though it was the first time. With a shrug, he brought the hilt up to his forehead, leaning forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He gripped it tightly with both hands, squeezed his eyes shut and focused, pressing as hard as he could out into the cosmos, hoping it was enough to send what might be his last thought to its intended recipient.

_I’m sorry…_

Then he ignited the blade.


	7. You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next on Kylo Ren's Bucket List: Be the Hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters this week because I didn't want to leave you guys hanging again, I know how quickly one can become disenchanted by a fic that drags too much. I'm still not 100% on my happiness with the story's progression thus far, but I'm-a keep on truckin' as long as you folks are along for the ride.

Alarms. The hum of the Finalizer buzzing through the air. And the siren’s song of the Force whispering gently to him.

He goes through the motions of taking off his helmet, absently thinking that he’d wished he had done so before this whole thing began so he didn’t have to keep doing it over again. Casting his eyes to the girl’s sleeping form, he sighs sadly and shakes his head, “Well, that didn’t work at all,” he grumbles.

He runs a hand down his face, grimacing when he feels the leather of his gloves. With a growl, he pulls them off with his teeth and spits them onto the floor. He rubs his face again, and pushes his hand back through his hair. Getting to his feet, his shoulders fall as he drops his head back to face the ceiling and tromps across the floor like a child, “What – do – you – want – from – me?” Each word uttered in rhythm with his clumsy steps.

Now at the viewport, looking down at Starkiller Base, he considers how it feels like it’s been months since he felt any sense of pride at the thought of it, The Jewel of the First Order. Quirking his lips, he thinks it could very well have been months. He’s lost all concept of time at this point.

At some point while staring out of the viewport, his focus shifted from the base to his reflection in it. His face was pale, eyes dark and tired, hair a tousled mess of raven locks, then… nothing. His reflection seemed to end at his head, given the blackness of the outside and the darkness of his clothes.

Unnerved at the sight, he removed his belt and shrugged off his heavy outer robe. He was beginning to feel restrained and suffocated in all his Knightly regalia, anyway. He tossed them onto an empty cot and ran his hands through his hair, grabbing a fistful at the roots and tugging just slightly in frustration. His headache was once again throbbing, the clenching of his teeth no doubt exacerbating the issue. He dropped his hands to his sides and looked down at himself. His white tunic badly wrinkled and his black trousers stuffed into his big black boots. He wasn’t sure _why_ he was assessing his appearance, it wasn’t like he was going anywhere anytime soon. Not that he really had anywhere TO go. He tugged mindlessly at the tunic, pulling it out of his trousers and feebly stretching out the wrinkles. At least he was feeling a bit more comfortable, he supposed.

He turned again to gaze out of the viewport, his head leaning against the cool surface, relishing in just feeling _quiet_ for the first time in a very, very long time. Suddenly, he heard a soft shuffling behind him.  

“Where am I?” a soft, lilting voice drifted across the room. It had been ages since he had last heard that voice. He took a resigned breath, _Well, shit._ but didn’t turn to face her.

“You’re my guest.” He said, his voice sad and bored.

“Who are you?” she asked, her voice wavering with uncertainty. He turned then, when he met her eyes her expression softened from one of cold fear, to curious confusion. He held her gaze for a moment and then shook his head.

“I don’t know.” Ren said simply, and while it wasn’t exactly true, it was how he felt about that question right at that moment.

“Are you a prisoner here? Where are the guards?” she struggled against the restraints, “Let me go!”

She kept a wary eye between him and the doors, as though she expected an army to burst through at any moment. He stood there bewildered, never having conversed with her when she wasn’t brimming with hate towards him. _She doesn’t know it’s you, jackass._ He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head, then he slowly walked towards her. She stiffened at his approach, still unsure of who he was or where they even were.

Her expression changed again as he came right up beside her, his hands moving to loosen the bonds on her wrists. She stared up at him, her hazel eyes bright and wide. She stayed in a stunned silence as he quietly moved around the cot removing her restraints, stopping at the foot and looking at her with a blank expression. She sat up hesitantly, rubbing at her wrists. He could tell she was trying to figure out what the feeling of electricity she could sense all around her was, and he could see it was making her nervous.

“Don’t be afraid.” He said, “I feel it, too.”

Her eyes flashed, then, “What? What is it?”

He answered truthfully, “I don’t know. But, you should go.” He walked over to a console beside the door, overrode the locking mechanism to ensure their privacy, and then pulled up a blueprint of the ship. She could escape quite easily on her own, he knew, but felt compelled to assist her however he could. Not knowing when or if this loop would ever stop, he figured it couldn’t hurt to act like it would.

While he studied the blueprint, the girl had slipped off the bed and crept up next to him. He almost jumped when he suddenly heard her right beside him,

“What are you doing?” she was looking curiously at the console, her eyes darting back and forth between his and the screen before them. He ignored the little flutter he felt in his chest at her nearness and how easy it had been to earn her trust. _Don’t get cocky, Solo._ That voice in his head chirped. Instead of responding to her, he pulled away from the console and walked towards a far corner of the room. He pushed out with the Force, feeling for a hidden panel that he was sure covered an old intake duct that was just big enough to fit her small frame. When he found it, he gave a swift kick to the wall and the panel fell to the floor. By now she had followed him over, still curious and now impatient with his silence.

“What are you doing?” she asked again, a hardness in her voice that had not been there before. He turned to face her again, “Letting you go.” He watched her fluster confusedly over a response, then continued,

“You can access a minor hanger from this duct, it’s about 1 hectometer away, but you only have to take it a few decameters at a time. From here it’s up 3 decks, and then keep starboard until you’re there.”

“How am I supposed to know when I’m there?” she asked incredulously.

“You’ll know.” He said, not elaborating any further. He turned from her, opening a supply hatch against the opposite wall and pulled out a blaster and a box of rations. He stuffed the rations into a bag and slung it over her head, then placed the blaster in her hand. He once again looked at her with a face void of expression,

“You shouldn’t have any problem navigating the ducts. This ship is not unlike the old Imperial star destroyers you had on Jakku.” Her ever-changing expression was now one of shock,

“How did you-?” she started, but he cut her off abruptly,

“There’s not a lot of time. Han Solo and your friend will be here soon to rescue you, and none of you should be on the planet or anywhere near here for longer than necessary. Get to the hanger, I’ll make a shuttle available to you and if you hurry, you can catch them before they get to close to the base.” He gestured toward the open hatch. She seemed hesitant, her head was bursting with questions and Ren was offering her no relief.

There was a pregnant pause while they stared at each other, at an impasse. With some trepidation, he pushed against her with the Force, just a subtle encouragement, to help her feel at ease. He could see her brow furrow, sensing her recognition of the sensation in her head. He could feel her suspicion bubbling up under the surface.

“Who are you?” she said, hesitantly, her voice low and fearful.

Seeing that the game was up, Ren moved to Plan B.

“ _You will leave this ship and escape this system.”_ He pressed. Her brow softened and she blinked rapidly for a moment.

“I… I will leave this ship and escape this system.” She echoed, then stooped beside the hole in the wall, a veil of hurt and confusion on her face, and then she was gone.

Ren didn’t know how long he stared at the empty hole in the wall. Sensing her every movement through the ship, scurrying up and through the walls like a rat. _Like a desert rat._ His mind offered. “Shut up.” Ren said aloud.

When she reached the hanger, he reached out and pressed her again, then felt her move with that quiet grace she had used to sneak up on him at the console to slip through the bay and towards a shuttle that she was feeling curiously drawn to.

After several more moments, he could feel she had gone, but not before he felt a curious and tentative poke in his mind. It was her. He found himself unable to stop a smile from spreading across his face, muscles long neglected in his cheeks twitching in alarm.

He walked over to his seat by the, now empty, bed and sat down just as a pounding came against the doors.

“What’s your plan, Solo?” he asked himself quietly.

“Lord Ren?! Are you in there, sire? We are getting the doors open!” he heard a muffled voice say through the durasteel.

Quickly getting to his feet, he called his saber to his hand. He planted himself right in front of the doors and waited. _No, seriously, what is your plan?_ He thought.

“Fuuuck if I know…” he sang through his teeth. The doors opened then, and the corporal moved to rush in but startled at Ren’s nearness and appearance.

“My… lord?” the young man squeaked. The two storm troopers who had accompanied him stood dumbly in the corridor, their blasters held ready against their chests and their big helmets frowning at him. The corporal continued, “Sir… we’ve arrived… there was a… an… unauthorized shuttle and we… couldn’t reach you, for, for orders.” The confounded boy couldn’t seem to reconcile the mighty Kylo Ren standing plainly in the medbay, looking as he did. He searched the room with his eyes, noting the clothes strewn about and the hole in the wall and the – “Sir! The prisoner… where?” words, it seemed, were still failing the poor man.

_Shit or get off the pot, kid._

Ren held up his hand and pressed all three of the men before him into sleep. They collapsed onto the floor and he briskly stepped over them, quickly moving towards the lift. He still had no concrete plan, he was moving on impulse. As he homed in on the bridge, he began checking off things in his head, and considered what he could do from here. Killing himself hadn’t worked to fix Time, the destruction of Starkiller hadn’t done it either. Killing his father certainly didn’t do anything just as _not_ killing him hadn’t done anything. The girl had died, the girl had lived, now the girl had escaped. Maybe that was it? No, she had escaped before. Phasma had been killed, Hux… hadn’t. Was he supposed to kill Hux? Was he supposed to kill _anyone?_ He bit hard at the inside of his cheek as his thoughts tumbled around this rough outline of a plan he was drafting.

Rushing out onto the bridge from the lift turned several curious heads his way. No one knew who he was, he realized, and he wasn’t in a uniform. In a second, blasters were out and orders were being shouted. His lightsaber roared to life at his side and, with recognition of the weapon, a hush fell hard over the room. The panic subsided almost faster than it had begun. He returned a hard gaze to each one he received, still holding his saber in a defensive stance. His heart was pounding in his throat but he betrayed no fear, his ever-expressive face channeling alarm and outrage instead. He adjusted his posture and stood as straight and tall as he could and held his saber out before him, pointing it at the captain. He pressed, “ _You will order your men to leave the bridge_.” _What are you doing, Ren?_ He questioned himself, his grip on the saber tightened as his hands threatened to shake.

The captain blinked stupidly at him, clearly confused, but after a pause he stammered, “I will order my men to leave the bridge…” then he turned his head and repeated the order to his men. Ren held fast to his position as the crew warily flowed off the bridge in a haze of bewilderment and unease. The captain, his brows knit and his eyes wild, stood trembling before Ren, who now slowly stepped towards him. The saber was still burning hotly, the blade now ghosting over the captain’s shoulder as the space between to the two men narrowed.

“You will steer the ship directly into the thermal oscillator of the base.” He said. _He’ll WHAT?!_ The voice in his head cried. The captain seemed to agree, his face cast a look of terror,

“I’ll what?!”

Ren blinked, thoughts racing faster than he could process them. If he could destroy the base AND the Finalizer, the bulk of the First Order’s muscle and intelligence should be wiped out. The girl is safely away, Solo and his crew haven’t likely arrived yet, maybe this will be the thing that brings everything together. Though he had a nagging feeling this wasn’t going to work, at this point, Ren was willing to try almost anything.

“ _You will steer the ship directly into the thermal oscillator of the base. Quickly._ ” He added, not wanting to give anyone time to escape the base or the ship. He felt the press take hold and the captain mumbled his order back as he scrambled to the helm to follow through. Ren rushed to the communications console and scanned the ship’s log to see if Starkiller had been alerted to anything since his arrival on the bridge. Nothing amiss. He quickly deactivated outgoing comms and sealed all hanger doors and escape pods. The ship lurched to life, moving slowly like a great beast rousing from slumber, but gaining momentum from both the engines and the alluring gravity of the planet. Almost immediately, there was a cacophony of alarms as Starkiller noted the ship’s unauthorized descent. He ignored them, but ran to the weapons station, prepared to fire at any ships or shuttles attempting to leave the base.

It didn’t take very long for the ship to steer true to its target, though it felt like time was oozing. Ren could feel the planet pulling greedily at the massive ship as it broke atmosphere and began hurtling towards the surface. Ren smirked to himself as he heard a comm override from the base, it was Hux; screaming, spitting and hurling orders and threats in his shrill, panicked voice. Good to know that the ginger nightmare hadn’t tried to flee.

Ren thought he heard and felt the impact, albeit briefly, but the chorus of system alarms and Hux’s mewling and the hull burning swallowed up all discernable sounds. He could still hear the alarms after everything went dark...

With a sigh, he dropped his head back in his seat, his helmet clanking loudly against the back of the metal chair.

“What do you say, princess?” he drawled aloud to the girl, still asleep on the cot. She didn’t answer.   


	8. Then you say, “Go slow.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren gives this hero thing another go, this time featuring awkward first dates and dear old dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me guys. I am probably going to be going back and rewriting A LOT of this story, but I hope in the meantime it's at least palatable. *sigh*

“What do you say, princess?”

Staring at the ceiling through his visor, Ren sighed and reluctantly stood. Maybe it wasn’t enough to just get the girl away from Starkiller. He knew from previous loops that Han and the stormtrooper were coming to rescue her. Maybe they got caught up in the explosion after all? Or maybe she did? He didn’t sense her death, not like he had those times before, but with everything that was going on and all the death happening at once when he drove the Finalizer into the base, it wouldn’t have been hard to miss one light flickering out.

Going through the timetable in his head, he figured he still had a few hours before his father would arrive with the Falcon. If he could get to the surface in time to meet them, and somehow avoid Hux and Snoke, maybe he could make sure they all escaped before the base exploded. He shrugged to himself, "Why not? What else do you have going on, Solo?" 

Before he could talk himself out of it, he scooped up the girl and sauntered out of the room.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Between leaving the Finalizer and arriving within the hanger on Starkiller, Ren had had to fend off several attempts by helpful crewmen at taking the girl from him. He did manage to make it out of the hanger and into the corridor before he ran out of excuses for his insistence on clinging to her needlessly. He even managed to avoid Hux while he double-timed it to his quarters.

He had considered taking her to the interrogation chamber, as that was what was expected of him and they would be alone. But he had little doubt that Hux would be watching the security stream fervently and he didn’t want to blow his cover just yet. Taking a prisoner to his personal quarters would certainly be seen as unusual, but he was Kylo Ren and as far as everyone on the base was concerned he could do whatever the hell he wanted to. Also, there was no visual screening in his private rooms. 

Finally arriving at his quarters, Ren rushed inside to set the girl down on his bed, then back to the door to override the security locks, just in case Snoke came poking around when his defenses were down and alerted Hux, or the man himself caught wind of Ren's behavior and came sniffing around.

Ren could sense that she was very close to regaining consciousness, so he grabbed a simple tunic and vest out of his footlocker and quickly went into the fresher to change. He didn’t want to slow things down by having to deal with her recognizing him as her captor. Perhaps there would come a time when this could be discussed maturely, but not today. Satisfied with his appearance, and shuddering only slightly with the recollection that he had worn this outfit during the loop when his father took a blaster shot for him, he shoved his outer robes and helmet into the trash compacter in his front room. Then he approached the bed.

“Hey. You need to wake up now.” He said softly, trying to sound as non threatening as possible. She looked as though she had always been there, serene and ethereal, just about to rouse with a dawning light. He groaned and mentally slapped himself. He knelt beside the bed to make himself seem smaller and hesitantly laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently, “Come on, I know you’re in there.”

The girl’s eyelids fluttered and she shook her head drowsily before dragging a hand up to shield her face from the overhead light.

“What-?” she murmured. As her awareness returned to her she shot upright in alarm, looking around in a wild panic, “Who are you? Where am I?”

Ren held his hands up, “I’m not going to hurt you.” He backed away from her slowly, and she visibly relaxed.

“Where is he?” she whispered. _Yeah, about that…_

“Gone.” Was all he said in reply, then he stood. Her eyes following him as he rose to his full height and she had to crane her neck awkwardly to keep him in her sights.

“Gone?” she repeated, her brows furrowing incredulously. She was shuffling slowly off the cot now, but keeping a wary distance between them. The Force swayed lazily around them. 

“Yes. I promise he is gone, but we do need to leave soon. If my estimation of the time is right, Han Solo and your trooper friend will be here with Chewy in about 2 hours, and that’s too much time for us to be hiding out in here. I don’t know where exactly they’ll come in, but they’ve got to get the shields down for the squadron before getting to the thermal oscillator to set the charges, so we can rendezvous with them down there.” He explained simply and she stared back at him bewildered.

“What?” she flinched as soon as the word escaped her lips, clearly, she had hoped to say something more intelligent than that. He smiled slightly, then turned to his wardrobe to see if there was anything suitable she could wear outside, since he knew she wasn’t dressed for the weather.

His ease within the room seemed to set her on edge and she tensed defensively.

“You never said who you were.” Her voice heavy with distrust. From the corner of his eye he could see her warily taking in her surroundings, looking for a weapon most likely. He shut the door to the wardrobe, a thick woolen tunic in his hands and a belt.

“I’m an old…” he searched for a word, “acquaintance of Han Solo and Chewbacca. It’s been a few years…” he trailed off, unsure of where he was going with that thought. He looked at her then, and her expression softened. There was an awkward pause and then he approached her carefully, holding the clothing out to her.

“It’s very cold out,” he redirected, “I don’t imagine you have much experience with snow. These might be a bit big, but they’ll keep you warm enough to get you to the Falcon.”

She blinked at him for a moment, processing all the information this strange man has shared with her and what it could mean that he knows so much about Han and their supposed plans. As she gingerly reached out and took the offered items, she spoke in a voice almost a whisper, “What should I call you then? My name is Rey.”

It could have been his imagination embellishing the moment, but as he would reflect on later, he always remembered it the same way. Just as she breathed her name, their fingers brushed when she took the tunic from his hand. Something like lightning seemed to strike at that moment, and the shock drew their eyes together. For one brief moment, every single thing in the universe fell away save for him and her, her name passing between them like a prayer, falling onto his lips as he tasted it for the very first time.

“Rey.” He breathed. Her eyes were wide with alarm, not frightened but bewildered. Their gaze remained locked for a moment, then she visibly collected herself. Pulling the proffered clothing to her chest, she gasped as the breath she didn’t realized she’d been holding demanded release. 

“Yes. Rey.” She whispered, not breaking eye contact. After an awkward pause, Ren realized that he’d just been standing there staring at her stupidly and came back to himself.

“I, uh… um… you can call me… Ren.” He offered her a polite smile, but it was clearly forced.

“Ren?” she clarified, as though she had been expecting something else. He understood her confusion, as hearing her say the name sounded and felt so disastrously wrong, but...

“It’ll do.” He said dryly. He quickly gave his surroundings a once-over, searching desperately for a distraction. When his eyes fell on the small canteen unit, his relief was palpable, “Are you hungry?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

They had managed to make it to the thermal oscillator without incident. Rey and Ren were now squatting under a large duct, fairly well hidden but with a perfect view of the main entryways. They sat in companionable silence for a long while, both absolutely uncertain what they could even talk about, given the circumstances. Having been unconscious for most of the day, Rey had needed to be brought up to speed about what had happened on Takodana and what was to come after, though he left out the part about his repeating encounters with these events. She seemed genuinely saddened to hear about the destruction of Maz’s Palace and asked if he knew whether or not Maz had made it out. He was sorry to say that he didn’t, but offered that if he knew Maz as well as he thought he did that she was most certainly fine. _One doesn’t live a thousand years without learning to get out of a few scrapes._ But once she knew everything she needed to, the conversation waned.

A glimmer in the Force told Ren that Han Solo was approaching, and he gently took Rey by the arm and pulled her from under the duct work. It was while he was helping her to her feet that he heard it.

“Ben?!”

Both Ren and the girl turned their heads to see Han Solo standing almost limp, propping himself up against the wall with one hand with his face as white as a ghost. Ren instantly felt his stomach drop like a stone, a geyser of emotions bubbling up. Hate, then anger, then resentment, then longing, then sadness, then confusion, then despair. His eyes fixed on the man before him, he didn’t notice the girl dart past him, towards Han and the figure that had appeared behind him, the stormtrooper.

“Han!” she cried, rushing to embrace the man. Ren’s posture stiffened and Han seemed to catch it, casually brushing the girl off with a crooked smile and a pat to her head.

“You OK, kid?” he asked her. “Finn here was just about crawling out of his skin to get you back.” Even though he was speaking to the Rey, Han Solo’s eyes never left Ren’s. The two men seeming to be having a long, wordless conversation with just their eyes and trembling chins. After the ensuing embrace between the girl and the stormtrooper _Finn, Han said his name was Finn_ , she turned back to them and finally saw the awkward staring contest.

Han’s face was full of fear and hope, while Ren looked conflicted and almost desperate. It was Han who took the first step, “What… what are you doing?” he stammered, at a complete loss for how to proceed with this wholly unexpected turn of events. Ren frowned and was the first to look away, as though the answer was somewhere on the floor. It wasn’t like he had rehearsed this encounter, but he did think he’d have had a little more grace and eloquence when it did happened.

“I…” he drawled, “I’m going to help you with the charges… and then you all need to get off the base as soon as you can. The Resistance Fleet will be here and they’ll need as much advantage as they can get. The First Order doesn’t know they’re coming, and they don’t know about Rey.” He offered, almost sadly, his eyes begging Han to just accept his words so they can get moving. Han approached him slowly, very unsure and a little untrusting. When he stood within arm’s length of his son he responded,

“And why would you do that, Ben?”

“There isn’t time to explain it. Maybe, _maybe_ one day there will be – if I can get it right, but I can’t now. We have about 20 minutes to get the charges set and get you all back on the Falcon before the shit hits the fan.”

“What about you?”

“I have to stay here to make sure you get away.”

“Ben, I don’t understand. What is going on?”

Ren held up his hand impatiently, “I wish I could tell you, I really do, but you won’t understand and there is _no time_ to explain.” He stepped around Han, towards the stormtrooper and the pack of explosives he carried. Finn seemed alarmed by the stranger’s approach, but didn't take up arms. He offered the bag to Ren but looked questioningly at Han, who nodded reluctantly.

Opening the bag, Ren pulled out two of the detonators and turned to hand the rest to Han.

“I know you have already plotted this out and believe me when I say that your plan will work, but we need to take out the primary _and_ secondary security systems. If Hux gets away this is all for nothing. But you have to be back out on the surface before that happens or you won't get out. If you give me the lead detonator, you can get out before the first charge even goes off. I'll pull the trigger as soon as I make sure you're clear and the base is locked down.”

It was the most Han had heard his son say in over 15 years and he could do nothing to stem the tears. Shaking his head, he stepped towards Ren and put his hands on his shoulders.

“Ben...” the older man breathed, chin trembling. “Come with us. Come home. Please?”

Ren felt his threat tighten and he blinked away the stinging in his eyes, “I’m sorry…” was all he could manage, then took a deep breath to collect himself, “Set the charges. Get out. Get _her_ out.” His eyes fell to Rey, who was looking on with intense confusion. Ren continued, “If this works… please tell mother that I am so, so sorry.” He didn't wait for a response, just turned and ran towards the catwalk, calling out over his shoulder, “Be off planet in 20 minutes! _Go!_ ” Then he slipped out of sight.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

In a duct, just underneath the main control room, Ren could feel it the moment the Falcon jumped the system. And right on time, he felt an overwhelming sense of loss with her leaving. This separation anxiety or whatever it was seemed to increase in intensity the longer he spent time in Rey’s presence. Not wanting to waste time reflecting on it, he finished his work disabling the back-up security system and then hit the switch to blow main power. Now no one could get in or out. Then he triggered the explosives that would set off the chain reaction within the thermal oscillator. It would take a few minutes, and he recalled another time when he'd have been fighting Rey outside right now. Watching all his years of experience be brushed aside like a hair in the face by someone without a day of training. By  _her._

After a time, the base began collapsing as the ground beneath it shook and caved. Ren was deep in thought about his battles with Rey when the inward caving durasteel crushed him.

There was pain, then darkness, then…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I know what I'm doing anymore. I'm really struggling with this story. I'm going to keep at it, though. As long as you guys are reading, I'll keep trucking.


	9. I fall behind, the secondhand unwinds...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren and Rey get a little closer, and no one gets hurt. Much.

As soon as he opened his eyes, Ren had stood and gently lifted Rey off the med cot then skirted out the door to the lift. He wanted to get started as soon as possible and get the Hell off Starkiller before the Fleet even arrived, maybe even soon enough to call them off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

 

Getting to his quarters was just as it was the previous time around, and he managed to deflect the helpful crew with no incident.

He got Rey to the bed and set her down as before, changed his clothes and began to rummage around for the outerwear he’d be giving her. Sitting gently down on the edge of the cot, he placed a hand on her arm.

“Rey. Rey, wake-up.” He thought briefly that perhaps he shouldn’t be using her name, as she was certain to have no idea who he was upon waking. However, her eyes fluttered open slowly and her gaze fell upon his face. He felt a pinch in his chest as a look of confused recognition passed over her, her brow furrowed slightly and her mouth fell open as if to say something, but there was no fear. She hesitated for a moment, then inched away from his closeness as she sat up.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” she asked, with the trace of a laugh in her voice, as though embarrassed for forgetting something. She took in the room and he saw the moment the memory came back to her.

“Where am I? Where’s Finn?” her rising anxiety was evident in her tone, he reached out and put a hand over hers.

“You’re on Starkiller. You were brought here for questioning, but that’s not going to happen now.” Ren said softly. When she didn’t pull her hand away, he gave it a squeeze.

“Han Solo and Finn are on their way here now, we will meet them in the oscillator in a few hours. But first, you need to eat and I have some extra clothes for you. It’s cold outside.” He kept his eyes trained on her face, watching the emotional spectrum play across it like light through a prism. She seemed wary to meet his eyes, and when she would make brief attempts at contact she would blush prettily. Not wanting to overwhelm her, he stood and began the walk across the room to the mess kit, where he could quickly make her a plate of food.

“Are you hungry?” he said, trying to sound casual. He glanced over at her, still perched upon the bed, her body tense and suspicious and fighting the alien sensation of feeling safe with this strange, familiar man. However, the mention of food seemed to flip a switch and a childlike joy flashed in her eyes.

“Um… uh, y-yes. Thank you.” She stuttered, quickly shifting off the bed and slowly walking over to sit at a small table where there were two chairs. He gave her a curt nod and turned back to attempting to create something palatable from the military rations he kept on hand for his sleepless nights.

“I assume you know my name, but you never told me yours.” she offered, trying for friendly.

He sighed, “That… is absolutely a story for another day…” _If I ever get to see one._ He turned to her then, two plates in hand and walked to set them on the table.

The ferocity with which she tucked into her meager meal would have once disgusted him, but now he couldn’t help but find it painfully endearing. Her cheeks puffed out as she continued to stuff bread into her mouth as she chewed. Little crumbs scattering about her elbows. He had already gone through this with her once, but it was just as appealing now as it had been then.

He picked at his bread, never one for having much of an appetite. He waited until she had almost finished to begin bringing her up to speed again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Fully fed, dressed, and informed, Rey stuck close to Ren as they carefully moved through the base towards the thermal oscillator. Ren made sure to keep them in the blind spots that he was aware of, but otherwise had to feel for surveillance. If Rey was curious as to how he knew where to go and when, she didn’t ask. It still astonished him how quickly she had come to trust him, and some part of him wondered if he’d taken the mask-less approach in the forest, if his present circumstances would be different. That thought was squashed as quickly as it had formed, as he strongly suspected that being her antagonist was not likely to be the way out of this infernal loop.

It was as they were approaching the chamber that he felt it. A cold, sticky feeling in the back of his mind. One he’d been relatively capable of keeping at bay since his last encounter with Snoke, but then, Snoke hadn’t had reason to call on him since. His heart began to pound and the bile rose in his throat as he realized that if Snoke was actively looking for him, then he was suspect. He fortified his mental walls, while he skirted Rey down the last corridor. He wouldn’t be able to keep them up for long. He pushed her inside the chamber,

“Change of plan.” He said brusquely. “Go wait by the south wall, there’s an alcove there. Stay hidden until you see Han. Then get off this planet as soon as you can.”

She looked at him, her face full of alarm. “What?!” she scanned their surroundings, trying to find the threat he must have seen to so abruptly alter their course. “What is it?”

_What are you doing, Kylo Ren?_

The voice crept around his head, slowly filling it like smoke. He inhaled deeply, and urged her forward,

“I can’t explain. If I can catch up, I will. But I have to get out of here right now, otherwise this place will be crawling with Troopers and none of you will get out alive.” A sharp pain lanced through his temple and he fell with a gasp.

_Come out, come out, wherever you are..._

Rey was at his side, frantic and confused, trying to somehow defend him from this invisible threat. He was crumpled on the floor, his eyes pinched tight in pain and gnashing his teeth horribly. The stabbing pain turned into burning, and it felt like his brain was on fire. He choked back a scream.

“Go!” he gritted, a cough and a sob. Undeterred, Rey reached for his face, turning it towards her to catch his eyes. The moment her hazel eyes met his, there was that lightning again and all the pain in his head was vanquished. He blinked dumbly at her while she cradled his face in her calloused hands. She seemed to realize that something had changed in him, and she smiled hesitantly,

“Better now?” she asked. Ren continued to stare at her, while she stared right back. In the back of his mind, he could feel a futile scrabbling, like a womp rant trying to climb out of a sand pit, all claws and no catch. Snoke was trying to find a way back in, and was rather perturbed at having been ousted with such ease. Ren couldn’t say for sure if Snoke had gleaned their location or plans from his brief foray into Ren’s mind, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He began to draw himself up, placing both of his hands over Rey’s, still possessively holding him. His large hands not only covered hers, but a few of his fingers curled over her delicate wrists.

“Rey…” he began, knowing that they needed to get moving, but unable to break himself fully from her grasp. Her gaze didn’t waver, she was clearly seeing or feeling something through this connection, but he couldn’t imagine what it could be, but if it had to do with him, it probably wasn’t good.

“Ben?” she breathed, it was so quiet he almost didn’t hear it, and even then, he wasn’t sure if she had said Ren or Ben. His eyes widened, but before he could say anything, there was a racket behind her, and a scattering of footsteps.

“Ben?!” a gruff voice shouted, breaking Rey from her trance. Ren and Rey both looked to see Han Solo walking up to them, an awkward hesitation in his gait. Ren pulled Rey’s hands off his face and began to pull himself up. He offered his hand to Rey, who took it and drew herself to her feet as well. She rushed to embrace Han.

“Have you finished setting the detonators?” Ren said bluntly.

Han blinked, taken aback by the question and Rey’s affection, “Uh… just about?” he turned his eyes to Rey, “You OK, kid?”

She pulled back from him and nodded, “Yes. I’m fine. Where’s Finn? And Chewy?” Han continued to blink dumbly, his gaze shifting restlessly between Ren and Rey.

“They’re uh, setting some things up.” He managed, then turned his attention solely to Ren.

“Ben? What’s going on? What are you doing down here? How do you know about-.”

“If there’s time, I’ll try to explain. But Snoke knows I’m here, he’s looking for me. You’ve got to get the charges set and then get off this rock before it blows.”

Han visibly tenses, “You’re coming with us.” It’s both a question and a demand.

Ren frowns slightly, “I was…” he admits, “but if Snoke knows I’ve gone rogue, there’s no telling what would happen to you guys.”

Han is determined, “Gone rogue?! No. You’re coming. Snoke already took you away from me once, I’ll be damned if he does it again. Also, you’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do.”

“Father, I-“

“Father?!” There’s a shrill squeak from the girl standing by that the two men had momentarily forgotten. They turn to her at the same time, with the exact same expression of alarm on their faces. Rey looks bewildered for a moment, then laughs, “Oh my goodness, this is your son?” she chirps, gesturing at Ren. Han takes a deep breath, and opens his mouth to speak, but Ren stops him.

“There will be time for this if we leave sooner rather than later.” He grumbles.

Han nods and points Rey towards an access hatch, “Go on and wait over there, Finn and Chewy should be back any minute.” She seems hesitant, but concedes, backing away slowly before turning around and footing it to the door. Han turns back to Ren, his eyes harder than before.

“I don’t know what’s going on, son. But your mother would kill me if I didn’t at least try to bring you home. Rey… she doesn’t know who you… are, does she?” his voice is slightly sad. Ren shakes his head.

“No. But she’s very important to me. I won’t let anything happen to her.” He answers earnestly. Han looks at him with something akin to awe, and then smiles his crooked smile and squeezes Ren’s shoulder. Relief washes over Ren for a moment, before he again feels the niggling is the back of his skull.

 _Snoke_.

He’s got to do something about Snoke. After years and years of pain and regret, Han Solo just stood there and accepting him back with open arms and not a shred of hesitation. His memories were still coming back in foggy waves, the veil over them that Snoke had placed over the years slowly lifting. He’d lost so much. Given up so much.

He realized then, that nothing was going to be enough until he truly ended this. He had to find Snoke, kill him, wipe him from existence. Then turn the First Order over to the Resistance. He needed data. He needed-

“Are you alright?” A soft voice broke him from his thoughts and he looked down to realize that Rey was standing in front of him, a hand on his arm. Han was across the chamber now, talking with Chewy who must have just arrived with Finn. He blinked at her for a moment, and her brow furrowed with concern.

“You having another episode, then? Can I do anything to help?” her voice was gentle but not piteous.

 _An episode?_ Ren wondered. He must have looked confused because she continued,

“It looked like you had a seizure earlier, you spaced out like this just before. I wanted to make sure you were OK.” She looked up at him through her lashes, sending a tingle down his spine.

“I’m fine now.” He croaked. “Hearing your voice helps.” He almost cringed at his words but she blushed, then, and bit her bottom lip.

“Well… that’s good to know? Um… we should go.” She offered awkwardly, and he nodded. They walked across the chamber to the side door and the party that awaited them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this count as a cliffhanger? Ah well, we'll see.


	10. And after my picture fades...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picking up from the last chapter, Ren & Company Demolition, Inc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY! My life has been an experiment in pain and confusion these past few weeks and I haven't been able to squeeze out a word. I hope this chapter satisfies, especially since I left off on something of a cliffhanger last time. Not really, but, you know. 
> 
> I will try not to be away so long now. Lest The Last Jedi beat me to the punch!

After an awkward reunion between Ren and Chewbacca, and an extremely tense introduction to the former Stormtrooper, Finn, who seemed to bristle at the obvious comfort and closeness Rey seemed to have with this tall and brooding Son of Solo, they finished setting all the charges throughout the thermal oscillator. There was some debate on whether the detonation should be timed or executed manually, ending with the latter being selected as the safest option.

Neither Finn nor Rey seemed to suspect anything unusual about him, besides the fact that he was Han’s son and had been somehow imprisoned by the First Order for some time. Ren was rather relieved that he hadn’t given the name “Ren” this time around to Rey, who seemed content to address him as Ben or with a hand on his arm.

He marveled at how Rey’s behavior towards him was evolving. It was obvious that she had no memory of any of their prior interactions since this whole thing began, but the way she interacted with him and spoke to him suggested a familiarity and an innate comfort that is usually born of time spent in another’s company. He wondered if it was perhaps just the way she was, quick to trust and eager to please, given her relatively isolated upbringing, but she had been taking to him gradually as the cycles progressed. Each time, she warmed up sooner and with more intensity. And with each go-round, when they would touch the Force around them absolutely _sang,_ he had absolutely no idea what that could possibly mean, but he suspected that something within her was remembering, albeit subconsciously.

These thoughts lead him again to Luke. Luke might know what’s happening to him, and what this thing between him and Rey is. He had to try to get to him. But those thoughts were inevitably shoved back by the subtle, but persistent scrabbling in the back of his mind. _Snoke._ He also had to get to Snoke.

Ren had only ever actually been in Snoke’s presence a few times, as the withered, old cretin was scared and paranoid, for all his bravado, and was very secretive about his location, which was also always changing. Supreme Leader Snoke inhabited something of a floating fortress that was nearly imperceptible to any kind of radar or scanning equipment, unless the person looking knew _exactly_ what they were looking for. Ren, for all his status and reputation, didn’t know. For the longest time, Ren had suspected that Snoke just didn’t trust him, which made him all the more eager to earn that trust and please his master. But since this whole anomaly began, he was thinking it was because Snoke _feared_ him and was using everything at his disposal to keep Ren on a very tight leash. With every cycle of time, his connection to Snoke weakened, while his connection to Rey seemed to strengthen exponentially. It didn’t surprise him all that much that Snoke was now feeling the change in him, even when they weren’t speaking directly.

They were all hurriedly shuffling down a corridor towards the outer doors when Ren skid to a halt. It was so abrupt that Rey bumped right into him from behind and began to falter, but Ren’s sharp reflexes had her in his arms before she could lose her footing. They stood staring at one another for a moment, an eternity to them but just a few awkward seconds to the by-standers. Finn cleared his throat loudly and they broke apart. Rey blushed furiously, apologizing for not watching her step. Han just looked on, smirking at his obviously love-struck son, thinking fondly that Ben wouldn’t be the first Solo to turn his world upside down for a girl. Ren turned a glare to his father, who snorted, realizing that he must have been projecting those thoughts rather loudly. He shrugged, “It’s true.” Ren didn’t respond but his posture conveyed that he wasn’t terribly offended. Everyone else just seemed confused by the exchange, but Ren didn’t give them time to question.

“I need to find a computer terminal.” Ren said, his train of thought picking up right back where it had stopped when Rey collided with him. Han’s humor evaporated, “What the Hell for? We haven’t got time for that!”

Ren sighed, “I know! But I just thought of something. If I can get into the system, I might be able to pull the encrypted files about Snoke’s fortress and its location. If that information isn’t here, then it isn’t anywhere. And, let’s face it, none of this will end until he’s dead. You know that, pop.” Ren felt a flutter in his chest at addressing Han as such, not even having thought about it before it came tumbling blindly from his lips. His father looked just as alarmed as he did, taking an extra moment to gather himself before responding, “Well, yeah, but – you could also broadcast our location to the entire First Order by triggering some firewall or something.”

“The First Order already knows we’re here, they’re just too cocky to think we’re a threat. They also don’t know that I’m helping you, but that could change at any moment. Snoke is suspicious, he’s been trying to get through to me. It’s only a matter of time…” He trailed off, unsure. They really didn’t have time for this, he should have thought of it sooner. He didn’t want to wait for another opportunity, on the off chance that this was his last go-round, and if so he might not get another shot at the First Order’s computer. But…

“Nevermind, you’re right. We should just go.” Ren finally said, weakly throwing up his arms in defeat. Han couldn’t edit his look of shock, but nodded hesitantly, “Alright… back to it, then.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

They had been so close. He had one foot on the ramp to the Falcon when he felt it, a few dozen Troopers and Armitage Hux, slithering in on their location. Ren heaved a dramatic sigh, and backed out from under the ship. Rey turned to him, alarmed, “What are you doing? We have to go!”

Han appeared at the top of the ramp, looking anxious, “Ben, get on the ship.”

Ren looked resignedly at him, “They’re coming. I can keep them busy long enough for you to break atmo.”

Han came down the ramp, looking severe as he approached his son, “No.”

“You know it has to be this way. You need to get her away. Get her to Luke. No matter what.” Ren said evenly before backing away.

“Go.” He said.

Rey pushed past Han, “No! Get on the ship. We can still make it if we go _now_!” Ren drew his lightsaber and ignited it, looking down at it sadly, “Go.” He said again, almost a whisper.

He didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to see the realization dawn on her face, but if that’s what it took to get her to leave him, then so be it.

“You?” she breathed, her face twisting into a horrified grimace, “It was _you?!_ ” Ren looked at her then, his face betraying every emotion as he tried to conceal them. He turned his eyes to Finn, who was staring at him with a burning rage, the realization having dawned for him as well. Ren’s gaze darted quickly in Rey’s direction and Finn understood despite his ire. The young man stepped down and grabbed Rey’s arm, pulling her into the ship. She didn’t resist, but remained facing Ren and trembling, “It was _you_?!” she said again. Ren backed away further, bringing his weapon up into a defensive hold. He gripped it tightly, feeling an anger bubbling in his chest, “ _GO!_ ” he roared, then spun and took off for the trees.

He didn’t have far to go, the first unit of snowtroopers were already within sight of the Falcon. They had their blasters fixed on the ship as its engines fired, but were quickly thwarted by Ren’s charge. With a cry he swung wide, running through three startled troopers and causing several more to jump back. There was a brief pause before they collected themselves and turned the blasters on him. He may have taken a hit or two, he wasn’t sure. Ren allowed himself the rage, using it to harness the Darkside and push through.

The first group went down rather quickly, there were only about 14 of them, and he tore through them like smoke. Not far behind them was a larger platoon, this time lead by General Hux, who was foaming at the mouth as he shrieked for the charge. They were still several decameters away, saving their blasters for closer combat knowing that Ren could fell them all with their own shots if discharged from too great a distance. He waited for their approach, focusing his energy and drawing power from his pain and from his rage. They drew closer.

Suddenly, there was a barrage of blaster fire from behind him that took out the first line of men in a sparkling display. His ascent to blind fury faltered as he whipped around to find Han Solo darting through the trees, firing at the troopers as he ran. Above the trees, Ren saw glowing band of light from the Falcon as it took off into the night.

“What the Hell are you doing?!” Ren shouted, spinning back to face the troopers and whipping his saber in a violent arc through an approaching pair. He threw his hand out to shove another cluster of men off their feet just as Han reached his son’s side.

“I am _not_ leaving you again.” Han said, almost breathless. He fired off another 3 bolts at the ever-nearing troopers while Ren reached out again with the Force, grabbing onto Hux and choking him.

“You’re going to get yourself killed, old man.” Ren spat, his eyes began to glow yellow as he reached deeper into the darkness and squeezed that much harder. Hux was beginning to turn purple and several troopers were futilely attempting to pull the unseen hands from their general’s throat.

“It kinda seemed like that was the idea, son.” Han offered. Ren had no response to that. For being such an old man, much older than he was when Ren last saw him, Han Solo was still surprisingly agile and was managing quite well against the First Order’s infantry in close quarters. Ren’s grip on the darkness was waning, between his father’s lack of self-preservation and apparent desire to die fighting at his son’s side, and Rey’s influence and light already thinning the shadows within him, his eyes were fluxing between gold, amber, and his natural brandy. His grip on Hux wavered, and the general fell to the ground in a heap, unmoving.

The platoon was not well organized with Hux now out of commission, and they became erratic and clumsy in their advance. However, Ren could see another wave of stormtroopers coming up from behind, and as he reached out with the Force and felt the Falcon long away, he pulled the detonator out of his pocket.

Han looked down at it and then back up at Ren with a smile, “Shit or get off the pot, kid.”

Ren smirked in response, threw the few remaining troopers from the first squad off their feet, and pressed the trigger. The ground shook and there was a deafening roar from beneath their feet. Han staggered to Ren, gripping his shoulder and then pulling him into a fierce hug.

“I’m so sorry it had to end like this, Ben. I’m sorry for everything.” His voice wavered.

Ren reached around him and patted his back gently, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

Before Han could question that, the earth fell away from under them and the surrounding trees collapsed atop. He held onto his father for as long as he could as they fell before he heard a loud crack, feeling the blinding pain in his head shortly after. There was an intense ringing in his ears before it dulled and then, after a moment of stillness, a pulsing, shrill cry echoed up from the silence.

And Kylo Ren’s eyes shot open.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos & comments are alms to the poor.


	11. And darkness has turned to gray...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Ren finally makes it off Starkiller! But how long will he last?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're all still here. I'm so sorry for the delay, a lot has been going on this summer and all of my projects have suffered for it. I hope this chapter was worth the wait. And I hope it doesn't take me months before the next one! Enjoy! 
> 
> As always, comments are worth their weight in credits.

His hands were clawing at the latch on his helmet before he even opened his eyes. Scrambling to his feet, Ren pulled his head free and tossed the cumbersome thing aside. He quickly stepped toward Rey's sleeping form, still and unaware in her enforced slumber. With a sigh, he skirted around her cot and approached the system console against the wall. He tapped frantically at the controls, overriding the locks on the door and then scouring through the mainframe as stealthily as he could manage, searching for maps or correspondence, anything that would give him some idea about where Snoke was hiding. Thinking about it, Ren was sure he could possibly force the information out of Hux or Phasma, but he wasn't completely sure either of them had the Supreme Leader's actual whereabouts, and he certainly couldn't just go and ask. 

Or could he? 

Rey had some sort of upper-hand when it came to Snoke's influence on him. If Snoke was ignorant of what was happening to him, and he managed to keep himself clear of any suspicion, he could possibly have Snoke _demanding_ his immediate conference. Snoke had wanted the girl. He wanted Rey. Something about her and her Force-abilities seduced Snoke something frightening. It was enough to give him pause, and it was enough for Snoke to show Ren his whole hand.  
He turned his attention back to the girl behind him. He could feel her stirring beneath the blanket of sleep. He needed to make a decision, but using Rey as bait for Snoke seemed risky, given his hazy-at-best understanding of this paradox he found himself in. And there was the factor that Rey, or something within her, seemed to _know_ a little more each go-round. If Snoke got close enough to get in her head, there might not be any reversing that. 

Ren shook the thought from his head. No, get to Luke. He needed to get to Luke. He needed to know who this girl was, why Snoke wanted her so badly, what about his past had been fabricated and implanted by his _master_. He needed to see his mother. Ren set his shoulders and turned from the console, one of his original plans had been to see how far he could make it without dying or passing out, so getting to Luke would be as good a way as any to test that. Ahch-To was Hell and gone from Starkiller, it would take more cycles than he had yet managed since this whole thing began. 

Walking over to the medical supplies cabinet, he began rifling through for stimulants, adrenaline, amphetamines, anything he could think of that would keep him awake for at least 7 cycles. He knew he could go for at least 4 days, but he'd never suffered an entire week before. 

Satisfied that he'd gotten enough meds and hypos, he grabbed field rations and medical scrubs as well. Then he grabbed his helmet and gently pressed Rey a little deeper into her unconsciousness, feeling it best to wait until they were alone to rouse her. Then he lifted her and carefully carried her out of the medbay. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As Ren had expected, there was a transport waiting to take him and his prisoner, along with a few squads of stormtroopers to the surface. He managed to bully his way onto his command shuttle and, after settling Rey on a bank of seats, eased himself into the pilot's chair and requested clearance for departure. He made sure that all other personnel were assigned to other transports. 

Ren sent a direct comm to General Hux, explaining the impending arrival of the Rebel fleet and Han Solo as an excuse for not returning immediately to the base with his prisoner. Hux, as expected, was red-faced and perturbed, and Ren was glad for his helmet as he closed the connection on an image of Hux with a twisted scowl and foaming mouth, unable to control his disgusted laughter. 

He knew this wouldn't buy him all the time he needed, but he hoped the fight with the fleet would be enough to get where he needed to go, get the answers he sought, and take it all from the top again. Every go-round he feared whatever he did would suddenly become permanent, so he was hesitant to let the fleet arrive at Starkiller to meet its doom, or risk the base firing its weapon at Yavin 4, killing his mother, but he was fairly sure that despite his reservations, this current expedition would not be the one to break the loop. 

He set a scattershot course for Ahch-To, just in case he was tracked or followed, it would add time to the trip, but he felt it would save time in the long run. He set the ship to autopilot and then set about changing into something a little less Kylo Ren before waking Rey. He hadn't yet decided what it was he would tell her. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As Ren had suspected, there was an initial sense of familiarity when Rey awoke and looked at him, and it was even stronger this time. When she first stirred and opened her eyes, she smiled sleepily at him, as though she had expected him to be there. It was only after a few moments that she blinked in confusion, and that's when the fear had set in. 

He had changed out of his black robes and was just in his trousers and white tunic, his helmet was locked away in a hidden compartment, along with his light saber. Her fear was not directed entirely at him, though finding herself on a strange ship with a disturbingly familiar man after her last clear memory was of being terrified in a forest with a dark, looming figure had been enough to set her on edge. 

"Where am I?" she all but stammered, staring at Ren as she staggered to her feet, her face betraying her hesitation and alarm to have found herself unbound. 

"You're my guest," he shrugged, but rolled his eyes at his lack of creativity. He sighed, "This is my ship. I picked you up on Takodana and we are headed to Ahch-To."

Rey took a defensive stance, " _You_ picked me up on Takodana?" He nodded, turning to face her in the cockpit. "Where are my friends? Who are you? Why did you take me?" She demanded, stepping closer to him with each question. Ren looked at her fondly, his face betrayed an emotion which moved her a step back.

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you." He sighed. Rey kept a steady gaze on him, confused by his expression and posture. She visibly relaxed a bit, overwhelmed by the waves of familiarity washing over her, both comforting and perplexing. She took another step closer. 

"Try me." Her voice was almost a whisper, her hazel eyes burning into his in challenge. 

Ren took a deep, cleansing breath and opened himself up to the Force. Rey felt it immediately, she gasped and her eyes broke contact to search her surroundings for the source of this sudden energy. 

"Don't be afraid. I feel it, too." He said, reaching slowly for her hand. In her confusion and bewilderment, she snatched at the proffered hand, gripping it like a lifeline. With the contact there was a burst of light, it should have been blinding but Rey could clearly see the man before her, whom she suddenly realized hadn't told her his name, but felt with the entirety of her being that she knew him. The ship around them fell away, and they were suspended in a world of white. 

"What is this?" she heard her voice whisper into the void, but never moved her lips. She took in the man before her, really seeing him now that her eyes adjusted. He was so handsome, with eyes the color of the rich, sweet sap that clung to the lush trees she saw on Takodana. His thick, black hair was a stark contrast to the pure white that surrounded them. She saw him smile, and a blush crept up her face as she realized he had somehow heard every thought that crossed her mind. He pulled her closer with a gentle tug at her hand and she drifted towards him, as though immersed in water. Closer now, she found she couldn't look away from his eyes. "What is this?" she heard herself say again. 

"It's the Force," he said, his lips in a gentle, knowing smirk and never moving. "Well, sort of. We are in a meditative state, where we can openly and freely communicate. I hadn't exactly expected this to happen when I took your hand. I didn't even know this sort of thing was possible until I met you, Rey." 

Her brow furrowed at the mention of her name. "How do you know me? Why do I feel like I know you? When have we met?" 

He squeezed her hand and took a steadying breath. She could tell he was about to tell her something upsetting. 

"Rey, I'm the one who chased you through the forest. But that, at least for me, was months ago. I have been stuck between two points in time, picking up from the same moment, when I awaken on the Finalizer, with you as my prisoner, until I either die or lose consciousness. I have no control over anything that happens. As far as your memory goes, you always wake with the same memories of being with me in the forest, scared and confused. In the time I've been trapped in this paradox, I have changed and am not the man to abducted you. You bested me in combat, time after time, until I stopped fighting you and tried helping. My Master betrayed me, he deceived me and covered my life in a veil of lies. I think the only way out of this is to destroy him. But I can't do it without your help, Rey. You are something unlike I've ever seen and we must get you to Luke. He might know who you are and he might know what's happening to me. I know you can feel that I'm telling the truth, no matter how outrageous it sounds. I don't know if I'll make it to Ahch-To, but I have to try. I need you to help me. Rey," he pulled her closer still, and gently placed a hand to her face. Their skin burned with the touch. "If we don't make it you won't remember any of this. But will you help me? Please?" 

Rey's heart was pounding in her ears and her body felt like it was on fire, but there was no pain. She stared silently at him for what felt like hours, this man who had terrified her, violated her mind, whom she knew at some point could have been her greatest adversary, but she also knew he was telling her the truth and she could feel more beyond his words, how he'd helped her, the pain he'd felt under his master, the anguished longing for his family. She could even feel the way she had defended him from a darkness within him, even though she had no clear memory of it - she just knew. 

She took a slow, hesitant breath, and leaned gently into the hand upon her cheek.  
"Yes." she whispered. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When Rey awoke, she immediately thought she had just been dreaming, that was until she sat up from the bench and saw the man she had been speaking to sitting in the cockpit of the shuttle she remembered waking up on. He was paying rapt attention to the controls before him. She eased herself to her feet and walked unsteadily towards him. As she approached, he turned to her. 

"I'm guessing you didn't sleep after that?" she smiled nervously. He huffed a gentle laugh, 

"I've spent days in deep meditation. That was unlike anything I've experienced before, but it wasn't enough to put me under, no." His eyes darted from her to the controls and back to her. "Are you feeling alright? That took a lot out of you, I'm surprised to see you up so soon." She eased herself into the co-pilot's chair, appreciating the ship from a more comfortable perspective. 

"I'm fine," she said, marveling at the beautifully crafted console and the sleek design of the cockpit before turning her gaze back to him. "You haven't told me your name." she said frankly. He blinked at her, looking away from her gaze and, she would swear, flushing a bit. He pressed a few buttons and cleared his throat,

"Uh... Ben... Ben Solo."


	12. Watching through the window...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not dead! And neither is this tale! Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and encouraging these last few months, it’s been REALLY difficult, but I hope we can get through it. 
> 
> Please enjoy!! 
> 
> COMMENT! COMMENT! COMMENT!

Rey stared at him, her hazel eyes wider than he expected them capable of becoming. Her stunned silence had started to make him uneasy, when she suddenly spoke, “Solo?! As in Han Solo?!” 

He flinched at the name reflexively, but heaved a sigh and nodded, “Yes. Han is my father. We’ve been over this, but of course you don’t remember.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaning tiredly against the arm of his chair. 

Rey’s look of wonder faltered as she looked at him, “You look sleepy. That’s bad, right? You should not be falling asleep.” She stood up as if to do something about the issue, when she realized she didn’t really know how to help. 

He smiled at her, “A bit, yeah. I’m alright for now.”

She didn’t look convinced, 

“But… if you fall asleep... what am I supposed to do? How can I help? Should I trying to wake you, or…”

“You won’t be able to do that, as soon as I fall asleep I’ll wake right back up on the Finalizer. And we get to do this all over again.” He tried for an amused tone, but barely managed a sleepy indifference. Perhaps he was more tired than he thought. 

“There must be some way I can help. This is absolutely insane, by the way, and if I haven’t had all the experiences that I have in the last few days I would absolutely not believe you about this. It’s still rather hard to, despite what… you’ve shown me.”

She looked unsure for a moment, looking about the cabin and eyeing him awkwardly. He could tell there was something on her mind. 

“What is it?” He mumbled through his fingers, his head now resting on his chin.

She fiddled with her belt for a moment, then sighed, 

“Have you ever… had… visions? Like dreams, only you’re awake – and they’re not hallucinations, because they’re just like dreams, they don’t make any sense…”

Her unease with this train of thought seemed to increase with every word. There was something she was very unsure about telling him. 

“Yeah… Force visions. Why, did you have one?” he sat up, interested but still a little drowsy. 

“I don’t know what it was. It was at Maz’s, just before you found me. I was running away, because of it. I was only in the forest because of it.”

Her breathing had become somewhat erratic, and he could feel her fear. He sat up and held his hand out to her, 

“Hey.” He waited for her to meet his eyes, then held her gaze while she hesitantly stepped towards him and took his hand. He steered her towards the co-pilot chair, where she reluctantly sat down. She didn’t let go of him, though she didn’t seem to notice. 

“Tell me.” He encouraged, his deep voice almost inaudible amidst the hum of the ship. 

“Luke’s lightsaber, it was at Maz’s. I heard something calling me, and I followed it to this room… there was a box and the lightsaber was inside it. I couldn’t stop myself from touching it, but the moment I did, everything changed.”

He was enraptured, never having learned before about how his grandfather’s lightsaber had come to her. That pull to Vader, or what he had always believed was Vader, ever present. 

“I saw Jakku, when I was left there by my family. I saw you as well,” she said softly, unsure of how to explain exactly how he had appeared.

His expression changed slightly with her words, from rapt interest to something akin to dread.

Rey continued, “ It wasn’t on Jakku, but somewhere else. In the rain. You were fighting with some others, you were all in black and it was raining, but I think you saw me, somehow. It was terrifying... then I was in a forest, and it was so cold, there was snow everywhere. And I was being chased.” 

Ben had been holding his breath as she described, what he believed, to be where they had fought on Starkiller. The other parts of the vision he couldn’t be sure of, seeing as how he and the Knights of Ren had fought countless people on countless planets in all forms of weather. He couldn’t recall any that would be significant enough for her to have seen. 

“It was the first time I saw you, and then you were suddenly there in the forest trying to kill me... and now you’re here, not trying to kill me-“

“I was never trying to kill you, Rey.” He interrupted, squeezing the hand still wrapped in his.

She had begun to shake and was growing short of breath as she recalled the vision and he was struck with the need to assure her that her life was never in danger, not from him.

She furrowed her brow at him, confused. 

He leaned forward, “I approached that situation in all the wrong ways and for all the wrong reasons, but I never intended to kill you. I didn’t even want to hurt you, but...” he paused, the memory of forcing his way into her mind on Takodana causing a deep ache in his chest.

He grit his teeth, “I thought I needed the map. I did need the map, but now I’m not sure I needed it for the reasons I thought I did.” 

Her face softened as she looked at him, her lips in a thin frown. 

“I’m sorry, please continue.” He sighed, ducking his head. 

“Oh,” she breathed, “just... now you’re here and everything you’ve said and shown me and I... why you? Why me? What’s any of this mean? Maz said I had to look ahead, that my family was never coming back but that there was someone else who could. I thought she meant Luke but... maybe it’s you, Ben.” 

He felt something within him break. Either from the sound of his name on her lips, or the thought of Maz Kanata believing he could still return to the light. And this had all happened just moments before this, whatever it is, may have started. It all seemed too convenient to be a coincidence. 

Rey’s eyes widened and her breath caught in her chest as Ben suddenly pulled her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to her calloused fingers. 

“Thank you, Rey.” He said hoarsely. She stared at him, his face conveying every emotion as he felt it. She drew a sharp breath, 

“For what?” 

“I don’t know yet.” He smiled, looking exactly like his father, and Rey could not help but smile back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  
The shuttle hummed along on autopilot, it had been over 36 hours since they had left the Finalizer and Ben was beginning to feel the seductive pull of sleep. He had been putting off using any of his pilfered supplies to keep himself alert, opting to sip at caff prepared from the rations he had brought along. The command shuttle wasn’t exactly built for long voyages, and after having to use water from the sink in the fresher to make a cup from the dehydrated sachets, he began to wish he’d opted for better transport. 

Rey was like a child in a sweet shop, she inspected the shuttle from stem to stern, rattling on about the endless supply of rations she could receive were she to scavenge it. She continued on about Unkar Plutt and his trade system, how he had monopolized the market and lorded over all the scavengers, overworking them and starving them at his leisure. 

She was returning to the cockpit with two bowls of... something, when she looked up to see Ben leaning haphazardly in the entryway. 

“Ben? Are you alright?” She said hesitantly. He looked up when she spoke, and he nodded weakly. She stepped closer, offering him a bowl. He reached out to take it when his legs gave and he pitched forward. Rey dropped both bowls, rushing forward to try catching him. She was able to get her arms under his but his weight easily took them both down, and they landed on the deck. 

“Ben!” Rey all but screamed and began pounding her fists against his back, the only part of him she could reach while she lay pinned under his massive frame. “Ben! Don’t you dare fall asleep!”

She began thrashing her legs, trying to roll him onto his back. It was as she was trying to haul him to the side when she heard the mumbling she was unable to hear over her own shouting, as well as seeing his arms and legs weakly writhing, trying to help push himself off. 

“Sorry, sorry. M’sorry. M’aright. “ he groaned as they both successfully freed her from beneath him.

Rey scrambled to him, slapping him sharply across the face, “No, you’re not, you stupid bantha, you need something now! Stop stalling and tell me what you need. This posturing is going to make this a great waste of time, you know!” 

He was nodding and dumbly attempting to swat her hand away. 

“Bag... get the bag... stims...” he mumbled as she scurried away to grab the medbag he’d brought from the Finalizer. He pulled himself up to seated with a great groan and she fell beside him, dumping the contents all over his lap. 

“Kriff, sweetheart.” He muttered absently, combing through the various packs of stimulants and hyposprays. Rey gave him a scathing look before watching him grab a bottle of pills. 

“You need something faster than that, Solo.”

She grabbed a hypospray of adrenaline, shooting it into his neck. 

His vision went white and he groaned, his ears ringing. He began clumsily pulling himself to his feet, Rey tugging helplessly at his arms.

The throbbing in his ears began pulsing and he barely noticed when Rey suddenly fled from his side, diving into the cockpit. 

He leaned against the wall, hunching his large frame under the bulkhead. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing at his eyes and pushing against his tingling skin. 

“-en!” 

He looked up, Rey was standing in the entryway shouting at him. Her face was stricken and panicked, and her chest heaved as she cried, “We’ve got company!” 

Suddenly, the shuttle shook as a shot rang off the exterior shielding. The interior lights went dark and a ominous red glow filtered in from beneath the bulkheads. The console rang in alarm. 

Ben scrambled, the stim now surging through his veins like fire, his mind stinging. He stumbled into the cockpit, where Rey was frantically hitting buttons. 

“What do we do?! How did they even find us?”

She was shouting over the blaring sirens of the security alarm. Ben pushed her into the co-pilot’s seat and began running a scan on the shuttle’s navigation system. 

“It’s a kriffing star destroyer!” Rey yelled.

“Divert life support to the shields! I’m gonna try to jump.” Ben shouted, his heart pounding in his ears to the rhythm of the alarm.

“Life support?! Are you crazy?!” Rey screeched.

“Well, we won’t need it if the shields don’t hold!” He hollered back, and the look on her face was all he needed to be sure of her compliance. She immediately began re-routing power from the life support system.

  
“I can’t believe they sent a damn destroyer! It’s like they don’t trust me or something!” Ben quipped, as he watched the hyperdrive flare to life, charging.

Rey turned to him, aghast.

“Are you joking?!” 

Ben couldn’t help but smile wryly at her and shrug. Rey shook her head in disbelief just as another shot from the destroyer throttled the shuttle hard, casting them both sideways like rag dolls. 

“Shields are gonna go! Tell me we can jump soon!” Rey said warily. 

Ben looked at his controls, the hit had knocked out the power to the hyperdrive. 

They were sitting ducks. 

He didn’t have to answer her, the look on his face betrayed his fear and disappointment. Rey jumped out of her seat, turning his face to hers.

“We can try again, right? If we don’t survive this, it just starts all over, right?” She sounded almost convinced. 

Ben swallowed hard, his eyes darting between the flickering console and her piercing hazel eyes. 

He frowned, “It should! But you won’t remember.” 

Rey’s expression turned severe, “Then make me. I am trusting you, Ben Solo. Get us out of this!” 

Her hands were cradling his face, not as much in affection as to convey her intense sincerity. His heart leapt into his throat, and he closed his hands over hers. He shuddered, as he felt her light seeping through him. She felt it too, he could tell by the way her face softened ever slightly. He squeezed her hands. 

“I will.” He nodded, his voice wavering. 

In a moment of stillness they just stared at each other, their energies mingling between them. After an impossibly long pause, Rey nodded sharply, then turned to the console and dropped the shields. She managed a glance back to Ben just as the cockpit filled with sparks, showering them both in a sea of stars and fire. 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Ben’s eyes shot open, startled awake by the alarm that sounded throughout the Finalizer, announcing its approach to Starkiller Base...


	13. You're wondering if I'm okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben & Rey go through a few cycles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I'm here! I hope you can all forgive me for my long absence, life has been fucking unreal. I'm hoping to finish this all up this weekend & have it all done for you in a nice neat bow but then, hope springs eternal.

“Ben!”

He turned around abruptly, his eyes wide.

_Did she just call my name?_

After their ship was destroyed, Ben woke up on the Finalizer as he’d expected and rushed to get himself and Rey onto the command shuttle and away from Starkiller as quickly as possible. He had remembered to pack the bag of supplies and stimulants, but hadn’t bothered with anything else.

He also opted to keep Rey asleep as long as possible, not wanting to deal with questions and explanations until they were well and truly _gone._

Ben ran a thorough diagnostic on the shuttles primary navigation systems, trying to find any means the First Order may have been able to track them. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find any. This time he decided that any drops from hyperspace would be minimal, and vastly off-course from Ahch-To.

Hearing her shout for him after awakening was certainly a new and rather alarming development. It was becoming apparent that she was somehow retaining, at the very least, an subconscious familiarity with him each time they repeated. He was beginning to wonder if the time would come that he didn’t have to explain anything at all when she woke up.

He got out of the seat and began walking back towards where he had lay her down when a blaster shot flew towards his head, exploding against the bulkhead in a shower of sparks as he deflected it.

_Where did she find a kriffing blaster?_

He found her looking frightened and stiff, much like she had that day on Takodana, pointing a gun at him with a shaky, unpracticed hand. In addition to fear, there was a healthy expression of utter confusion on her face.

“Ben!” she cried as he came into view, but then knit her brow tightly, “Wait, who are you? Why do I know you? Why did you take me? Ben, what’s going on?”

He held up his hands, hoping the gesture of supplication would calm her, only to see his gloved hands and realize that he was still robes in his black Ren garments, sans helmet.

“Kriff…” he muttered.

She blinked at him, her hazel eyes wide and tearful, somehow both beseeching him for comfort and warning him to not come any closer.

He took a deep breath, “Rey. I can explain what’s going on, but I need you to put the gun down. I am not going to hurt you. I will never hurt you.”

She seemed to calm as he spoke though still gasping for breath, the blaster pointed haphazardly in his general direction.

Ben slowly moved a hand to his mouth, pulling a glove off with his teeth. He then slowly reached out to her,

“You know my voice?” He asked softly.

She nodded.

“That’s good. Come here, Rey. You know me. Somewhere in there, you know me.” He motioned her forward with his bared hand.

“I don’t understand what’s happening.” She said with a quiver, dropping the blaster and taking a step towards him.

He kept his hand outstretched, the other still in the air by his head, and took a long stride towards her. The air around them seemed to hum and crackle with static as they moved closer. With each step, Rey’s expression softened and Ben could feel the Force buzzing between them.

Finally, she stood before him and he gently brought his hand to her face, brushing against her cheek with his fingers. There was a familiar burst of light, but this time they did not remain in a meditative state. Instead, awareness seemed to dawn and Rey’s eyes flashed with recollection.

“My God! Ben!” She threw her arms around his chest, and he returned the embrace.

“That was so much easier than last time.” He huffed, smoothing back the hair that had fallen around her face.

She pulled away and looked up at him.

“How long has it been? I’m not letting you go as long without stims this time. What’s our ETA?” She barked her questions as she moved past him towards the cockpit.

He grinned to himself as he turned to follow.

* * *

It had been three cycles since they left Starkiller. 

Rey was herself exhausted, often too afraid to rest herself for fear of Ben drifting off before they reached Ahch-To. Ben had put off injectable stimulants as long as he could, having relied on excessive amounts of horrible caff and a few capsules. When Rey could barely keep herself awake at the helm, Ben agreed to a hypospray so that she could rest without worry.

It should keep him alert for a good six hours, more than long enough for her to recuperate. She lay awkwardly on one of the benches, his cloak folded several times over, serving as a crude mattress and his cowl bunched up in her arms to pillow her head.

Unfortunately, as she slept Ben began to feel, in addition to the seductive lull of sleep, a familiar tugging in his mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt it since this whole series began, but it had lessened dramatically, especially in Rey’s presence, to the point where he’d been sure that whatever bond he held with his former master had been severed irrevocably.

_Kylo Ren…_

Pain lanced through his head and he doubled over the console. A wave of nausea hit him and he swayed in his seat. Panting through his teeth, he pushed against the feeling in his mind with all the strength he could muster, which wasn’t as much as he would have liked given his over-exhausted state.

_Why have you betrayed me, apprentice?_

His hands clawed for purchase against the smooth control panel, finding none. Another burst of pain shot through him and he collapsed onto the floor. Still pressing desperately against the slippery sensation of Snoke penetrating his mind.

“Rey…” he croaked, barely audible above the hum of the shuttle. Ben began to crawl away out of the cockpit, hoping to get close enough to her to stop the assault.

_YOU CAN NOT HIDE FROM ME, BOY!!!_

It felt as though his head was going to explode. A strangled cry escaped his lips and he collapsed fully onto the floor.

Suddenly, the shuttle shook violently. Seemingly from all around him alarms began wailing as what he could only guess was a First Order ship approached them.

The whole of his thoughts pulled taut, his body screamed and his mouth gaped in a silent cry of pain as Snoke tore at his mind. The shuttle shook again, tossing his limp form and he rolled against the wall of the corridor. Then, he felt a calm wash over, an exquisite relief from the pain he’d been experiencing. Rey was kneeling beside him, her hands on his face, her expression one of concern and fear.

The shuttle flooded with light, and Ben could tell they were being pulled into a docking bay of a First Order Destroyer. His heart pounded with a sudden fear. If he was too weak to keep Snoke from his thoughts, If this anomalous existence he had fallen into were discovered; Snoke could keep him awake for as long as he pleased - torturing him, torturing Rey, even if Snoke didn’t _believe_ it were really happening.

“Rey, you have to kill me.” He said suddenly, not even a fully formed thought.

She looked horrified, _“What?!”_

“He won’t kill me. He won’t let me sleep. If they catch us, I don’t know what might happen to you. We have to start over, but you have to end it _now_ before they get in.”

“Ben, no! I can’t!”

“You can, sweetheart. I know you can. Trust me. Trust me, please.” his throat was raw, his voice tumbling in a hoarse whisper.

Rey’s lip trembled and she looked around warily. The shuttle was still slowly moving, so it hadn’t been docked yet.

“H-how?” she stuttered.

Ben raised his hand, calling to him the blaster she had threatened him with when she first awoke. He pressed it into her palm.

“In the head. I won’t feel a thing. Do it now.” He placed a gentle hand against her cheek, rubbing his thumb softly against her skin. “Trust me.”

She took a shuddering breath and nodded. Turning the blaster towards him, aiming at his forehead.

Then she fired.

* * *

Four cycles. 

Ben’s eyes burned. He stood in the doorway of the cockpit, looming over Rey like a wraith, his hands braces against frame as he struggled to hold himself upright. In his shadow Rey prepped another hypostray of stimulants, and with a look of nervous restraint stood and pressed it against his neck.

He pressed his eyes closed as the stims surged through his body, his skin tingling and breaths shallow. A tightness began to coiled in his chest, his heart tattooed relentlessly against his chest. His arms went numb and as his grip on the frame failed, he fell against the control panel. His chest felt too small, like his heart had inflated to fill his ribcage. Pain shot down his arm and throughout his shoulder, and he gasped desperately for breath.

He could barely hear Rey’s shouting over the din of his frantic heart in his ears.

Then everything fell away.

* * *

_Did you think you could escape me, boy? You are mine._  

Ben shook violently against the floor of the shuttle, his body entirely at the mercy of his master. Rey lay dead a few feet from him, her neck twisted horribly and her lifeless eyes holding him in a cold gaze.

_I will not allow you to return to him. You belong to me._

He kept his eyes on her, blinking away the tears as he recalled how she was lifted into the air while the ship around them shuddered and buckled, how she screamed as every bone in her body was twisted and broken, then the look in her hazel eyes as her head jerked with a snap, and she fell to the floor like a rag.

_You were always a worthless, ungrateful wretch. How foolish of me to think you were the one with the power to restore the Sith. You shame the legacy of Vader._

His ears were bleeding, and he could no longer see. Ben’s mind began to cleave as though a knife was pressing through his skull like a melon.

He couldn’t feel his body anymore. The coldness of the floor seemed to simmer into a dull fuzz. There was nothing but the agony in his mind. Until there was nothing at all.

* * *

The parting shot from Starkiller destroyed their navigation, but not their hyperdrive. Now, they were shooting through space at the speed of light with no way of knowing where they were, or where they were going. 

Rey had exhausted herself trying to repair the controls, and was curled up on the bunk looking, Ben thought, adorably put out. He lay down behind her, and she scooted back against him. He wrapped an arm around her waist, and she joined their hands, lacing the fingers together.

“This sucks.” She muttered.

Ben huffed a laugh and he dared to squeeze her gently, “You can say that again, sweetheart.”

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

* * *

“I don’t think we’re going to make it to Luke.” Rey said, plopping into the co-pilot’s chair next Ben. 

“We have to try.” Ben muttered, focusing on the controls as he tried to divert more power to the hyperdrive.

“We _have_ tried, Ben. I’ve lost count of how many times! I think it’s time for a new plan.” Her voice softened and she put a hand on his arm.

He turned to look at her and sighed, "I know. I just… I need Luke. He’s the only person who might know what’s happening, or how to stop this… whatever it is. I’ve checked the databases on the Finalizer, on Starkiller, everything I could access without setting off any alarms. I just _don’t know._ ”

“Perhaps, instead of trying to get to Luke, we can make Luke come to us? I mean… I don’t know if that would work seeing as how we can’t even reach him in time, how can he possibly get to us… it’s… ugh…” she groaned, and squeezed his arm gently before pulling her hand away. She continued, 

“Besides finding Luke, what else have you tried?”

Ben leaned back in the pilot’s seat and sighed, “Besides killing myself repeatedly? Crashing ships, blowing up planets? Killing Hux, killing Phasma, killing my father…” He put a hand to his forehead, “I want to kill Snoke. I _need_ to kill Snoke. But I don’t know how, I don’t know where is he. I don’t think I’m strong enough to kill him on my own. That’s another reason I wanted to find Luke.”

“But even if we were to make it to Luke, did you ever stop to consider that we wouldn’t make it _back_?” Rey huffed.

He blinked at her. Actually, that thought had somehow not occurred to him.

“Fuck.” Was all he said in answer.

“What if… what if we played it out as it was supposed to go? You be Kylo Ren long enough to locate Snoke? You can use me as bait! You already said he wanted me.”

“ _No.”_ He said emphatically. He couldn’t bear the thought of Snoke getting his hands on her. Even if it was potentially temporary.

“Ben, we can send a message to the fleet. To Han and Finn, tell them where Luke is. Maybe they can get to him quicker and bring him along with the entire Resistance. We get inside, and together we take out Snoke.”    

It was just a far-fetched idea, and Ben wanted to refuse - but as he considered it, his present course had gotten them nowhere, and it was only his stubborn resolve that kept him pulling at that chain. There was only that constant sliver of doubt that this loop would suddenly end and whatever actions he took would be irrevocable, which was why he was loathe to put her in harm’s way. But she had a point.

“OK, sweetheart. What’s your plan?”


	14. Secrets are stolen from deep inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always a Plan G.

Ben and Rey scrambled upon awakening. While Rey took off into the walls of the ship, intent on compromising systems and sending encryptions to the Falcon, Ben made for the bridge.

He sent a transmission to Hux on Starkiller stating that he would be keeping the prisoner on board the Finalizer, so that he could present her to Snoke as soon as possible. He also reported Skywalker’s location as the moon of Jedha, but that no action was to be taken until Snoke was notified.

He did not wait for Hux’s red-face rebuttal, and as soon as the comm was closed, he relaxed his thoughts enough to press upon his master for an audience.

As he awaited the transmission from Snoke, it took every shred of willpower he could muster to control tumultuous feelings, long enough to at least discern Snoke’s location. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to conceal their plans if Snoke were to suspect anything and decide to tear apart his mind.

“Well, well, my young apprentice. You come with good news.”

“Yes, master."

“You have located Skywalker… but there is something more…”

“A girl. Strong with the Force. I believe, with the proper training, she’d be a powerful ally. She is being held in suspension aboard the Finalizer, to be presented to you.”

“You don’t say! My, my, you surprise me, Kylo Ren. You have exceeded my expectations indeed. You have come so far, and are so close to completing your training. But we must take out Skywalker, his life is the last ember of hope the Resistance has - snuff it out, and you shall finally be ready.”

Ben focused on breathing evenly, being so forthcoming with his news, Snoke was only mildly probing at his mind, sniffing around outside of his carefully constructed walls.

“And what of the girl, master?”

Snoke seemed to think about this for a few moments that seemed to stretch for eternity. Finally, he spoke,

“Bring her to me. I want to see this prodigy with my own two eyes. We will make arrangements to destroy Skywalker afterwards. I will transmit coordinates for a rendezvous presently. Well done, Ren. Well done, indeed.”  

Ben held his breath until the holo-projection blinked out and the last wisps of Snoke’s lingering left his mind.

 _Kriff_ , he thought, _he didn’t send his location._

But he would be there, in person. It could be worked with. This was, after all, most likely a test run. As long as Snoke didn’t pick up on Ben’s condition and decide to keep him conscious while torturing him for days and days. Not that it would have been the first time.

Ben hoped that Rey had been successful in her attempt to covertly send a message to the Falcon, giving Han the correct location of Skywalker, along with the location of Starkiller and how to bring down the shields. He pushed out with the Force, feeling for her presence, though he couldn’t tell where within the ship she was. With a gentle thought, he told her to return to the detention cell he had placed her in after waking her. He felt a nudge of acknowledgement in return, and he proceeded to his quarters to retrieve the coordinates from Snoke. With any luck, they could manage another encrypted message to the Falcon when it arrived.

* * *

Ben and Rey managed to take the command shuttle to Snoke’s coordinates. En route, Ben gave her a crash course in mental deflection - knowing that Snoke would probe her mind. It wasn’t as though they only had one shot at this, at least he hoped that was the case, but he wanted to get close enough that perhaps next time he would be able to find the ship without aid. He had already set the shuttle to record the ship’s signature once it was within range, and Rey was standing by to relay that information to the approaching Resistance fleet.

He couldn’t tell if Luke was near, but the Falcon had a much better chance of getting to Ahch-to and back to Starkiller faster than they would have in the command shuttle, and that’s if his father and Chewie even were able to find Luke and convince him to come out of exile. He figured when they were near enough to the First Order fleet, he’d sense it.

It wasn’t long until he felt the familiar press of his master as they approached a large dreadnought. He turned to Rey, who was staring through the view shield at the massive ship, and he could tell by the tension in her shoulders that she felt it, too.

He watched her quietly until she finally turned her head to look at him. They shared a silent exchange before Ben grabbed a set of manacles that had been set aside and roughly pulled Rey closer to him, fitting the restraints on her. He didn’t want to manhandle her, but if some discomfort and resistance on her part leaked through to Snoke’s subtle investigations, it wouldn’t hurt their ruse.

Rey grunted and glared at him, but said nothing. Ben fastened his helmet and guided her to the bay door while the shuttle eased its way through the docking bay of the great dreadnought.

The Supremacy was the most impressive ship in the First Order’s armada. It had been designed to be Snoke’s flagship, and for all intents and purposes it was, but Snoke often chose to conceal himself in other locations, known only to his Praetorian Guard.

Before the shuttle fully docked, Ben quickly sent a transmission to the Falcon under the guise of an All Clear to the Supremacy. Then he took Rey by the arm and they waited for the doors to open.

* * *

The lift ride to Snoke’s throne room was tense. Ben stood quietly apart from Rey, focusing all his attention on composing his thoughts. He didn’t want to think about their plan, or how many different ways this could go spectacularly wrong, and mostly, he didn’t want to think about her. Anything Snoke could divine about Ben’s feelings could be used against them, and even though they could get another chance at it, his greatest fear was how effortlessly Snoke could manipulate that to his will as well.

The doors finally opened, and Ben urged Rey out of the lift, guiding her forward with a hand at her back. And with some trepidation, they approached the throne and the figure sitting upon it. At the threshold, Ben knelt before his former master and bowed his head.

“Young Rey. Welcome.” Snoke said, “Come here, child, so I might look at you.”

Rey didn’t move.

Snoke huffed impatiently, casually gesturing with a long finger and pulling Rey forward with the Force. Ben close his eyes as he heard her struggle against the restraints, focusing his breathing and fighting the urge to assist.

Snoke hummed appreciatively as he looked her over. Rising to his feet and sauntering closer to her suspended form, his hold on her constant.

“My apprentice speaks the truth, you do have potential.”

Ben watched through his lashes as Snoke circled her like a predator, and he flexed his fingers against his knee. He maintained a vague awareness of the lightsaber at his hip, and the attentive eyes of the Praetorian Guard, as he tried to take in as much of the room as he could, committing as much detail to memory.

_How many guards?_

_How are they armed?_

_How much distance do they maintain from the throne?_

These thoughts he kept low and under a dense fog of duty, admiration, ambition, and a sense of rage.

Snoke was still appraising Rey, murmuring to her about her strength and how powerful she could become with the proper training. She continued to resist, both physically and mentally, and Snoke delighted at her show of will.

Rey’s sudden gasp was all Ben needed to hear to know that Snoke had tightened his mental grip on her, testing her resolve. He pressed on her subtly, trying to feel how well she was managing her emotions, even while in obvious pain.

He didn’t like this idea. He didn’t want Rey being hurt, and nowhere near as badly as he has become accustomed to under the mastery of Snoke. He’d already had to see her broken and mutilated before his eyes numerous times in their attempts to reach Luke. By Snoke’s reach, and the Knights of Ren.

She was holding her own, and had even sensed his prodding and swatted him away. Had it been any other situation, Ben may have smiled.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded and the console by the entrance screeched an incoming message. Snoke stood unfazed, still holding Rey aloft with the Force. He signaled at one of his guards and an image of Hux materialized.

“Supreme Leader. We are under attack. Starkiller has been infiltrated by rebel insurgents, the shields are down!”

“Do you not have an entire fleet of ships at your command?” Snoke asked coldly.

“They’re... “ Hux suddenly looked afraid, then hardened himself, “I ordered several ships to Jedha… to take out Skywalker.”

Hux was visibly choking now. Rey tumbled down the steps of the throne as Snoke turned his full attention to the image of his general.

“How… many… ships?” Snoke hissed.

“H-haa-aalf.” Hux wheezed, clawing futilely at his neck.

Ben could barely help his surprise. Hux, that ambitious overreaching brown-noser, had sent half the armada to take out Luke against orders. This development would make things much easier for the Resistance, if they came in full force. And with the Supremacy so close to Starkiller, it would not be safe from the slaughter.

He chanced a look to Rey, who was looking frantically between him, Snoke, and the guards. She was close enough to Snoke that, had she been armed, she might be able to take a shot at him. She caught his eye and seemed to get the same idea, as her eyes fell to his lightsaber, and he felt a gentle tug at his hip. His eyes widened as he realized she was trying to call it to her, and before he could even react Snoke whirled on her and hit her with a great burst of lightning.

“Ren,” he said calmly, “You are needed on the bridge. General Hux is presently indisposed.”

Ben looked at the man and felt a surge of panic. He couldn’t leave Rey alone with Snoke. He _wouldn’t_ leave her alone with him. As if sensing his hesitation, Snoke turned around to face him, his face unreadable.

“Did you not hear me, apprentice? The Resistance is on our doorstep, and I expect you to do what needs to be done.” Snoke’s eyes were calculating, and Ben could feel him, sticky and cloying, pressing into his mind. Ben tried to let him in just enough to not be suspect, but his hesitation had cost him.

“You have compassion for her. This… scavenger. No, it’s more than that.” Snoke pressed harder, and Ben gasped, feeling his thoughts being drawn out like a blade.

“Don’t tell her? Don’t tell her what, Kylo Ren?”

Ben grit his teeth and pushed back against the invasion. It wasn’t the time for this. There might never be a time for this.

Rey had recovered somewhat from the hit and had turned her attention to the two men, Snoke had taken a few steps away from her and Ben could see her watching from just behind the tall man. Then, oddly, she smiled.

“It’s not much of a secret, Ben,” she whispered, still gasping from the strike.

Snoke turned suddenly to look at her, the surprise more than clear on his face.

“ _Ben?!_ ” he all but growled, and the man in question took that lapse in attention to draw and ignite his saber, swinging it in a wild arc at the Supreme Leader. Unfortunately, he wasn’t fast enough, missing his mark and only slicing Snoke’s arm off. It wasn’t enough to kill him, and it certainly wasn’t enough to impair his Force abilities.

Pain hit Ben before he could even truly register his miscalculated strike against Snoke. The lightning surged through him, and every nerve in his body was on fire. Snoke was roaring, Rey was screaming, and Ben convulsed helplessly on the floor, his body contorting unnaturally as Snoke’s anger translated into him as pain.

Ben drew all the strength he could from the pain and his own stubborn will, reaching into himself with the Force and tearing at his own heart. By the time Snoke realized what Ben was doing, it was already too late to stop him.

Ben smiled at Rey before closing his eyes and dying.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Charter to the Void](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13655478) by [Khalid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khalid/pseuds/Khalid)




End file.
